Seeking God (Except from my forthcoming book: From the Gutters to a Mansion: My Journey to My Heavenly Father)

So I would return home a couple of months after my graduation. It was not easy trying to find a job especially in the field I wanted to pursue. I became completely and utterly frustrated. I was told good résumé but you need more experience for this market. I was so dejected I slipped back into a depression. I was doing temporary work in place of a real job. It just felt like I had failed. I had done everything they say you have to do to succeed. They said go to college. I went. They said do internships. I did that. They said get involved in campus activities that will help you in your career. I did that, too. They said to network with people already in your field. I did that, too. I did everything I was advised to do and still did not have a job in my chosen field. I was so depressed that my hair started to fall out and my waistline start to expand. I just felt like school was a total waste if I could not get a job in my field. I remembered the preacher at A.P. Shaw. I went to church again with the same results. But I was not ready to give my life to Christ. Even after praying for a Pastor and realizing that God had answered my prayers with Pastor Lyles.

I was so down at this point, but I remembered who had gotten me through so many other difficult situations. GOD! So after months of wallowing in pity I went back to A.P. Shaw again thinking, “Surely this man was not the real deal” with so many self-appointed preachers out here I still questioned if what I was feeling was real. Again, I went to A.P. Shaw and again something in my spirit felt good and I heard God’s Word, but I still wanted to do what Ryane wanted to do. I wanted to come to God ready and at that point and time. I was not ready. But what I learned was when you wait to get right before you go to God, you probably never will. Go to Him as you are and He will cleanse you. It says in Romans 12:2 to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. So, do not wait until you get yourself together but go to him as you are and He through His Word will transform you. He will change the way you think, the way you talk, heck He will even change the way you walk. He will building in you a new creature.

Then one day in August as I sat on the couch doing nothing, this feeling came over me. It was like I was sitting back watching flashes of my life. I begin to think about all the hell I had been through. The night my sister was murdered came to me, and I remembered the pain I felt when they told me she was dead. I remembered the utter hopelessness I felt after learning my mother had been shot with my other sister and brother. I remembered how scared I was the night my brother’s friend came into my bedroom and began to violate my innocence. Yet, another thought came to me when I sat in the mental ward at P.G. County Hospital after yet another failed suicide attempt. I could not help but ask God why, was I thinking about these things. Why? Then, another thought came to me it was the day my sister told me my brother was dead. I thought about his funeral. I thought about all the friends and neighbors who had been murdered. I thought about all the nights I cried myself to sleep. Then, another memory came to me, this time it was of a happier time. I thought about my college graduation. It was a long, hard road to get to that day, but I believed God’s hand was on me the entire ride. It was then I heard, COME HOME. After this moment I decided if I was going to keep on waiting until Ryane was ready or was prepared, then I would probably never be ready. So, I decided I was going to church that Sunday and I was going to give my life back to Christ. I say give it back to Christ because it was His anyway scripture tells us in Jeremiah that, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.”

I really didn’t have any more excuses anyway. I could not say anything about me not feeling the preacher because I actually did feel the Word of God. That excuse was out the window. Then, my other excuse was time and school, well school was over and all I had was time on my hands. The other excuse was church people, we know how church people can be, but I really was not concerned about that, another excuse gone out the window. So when I sat there and had my discussion with God, I knew it was time to come home. I went to service that Sunday morning determined to give my life to Christ, and I did. My sister Renee rededicated her life to Christ that day. I was happy with my choice. I chose life.

Wait and Work

Last night I was already to write about my bout with depression but this morning as I awoke another word beginning with the letter d came to my mind and persistent even as I begin to workout. Discouragement! In my Wednesday Bible Study class we started discussing defeating discouragement. The author of our Bible Study book Journey Into Overcoming: Rising Above Life’s Toughest Problems stated, “all of us have bouts with discouragement.”

In the five years of being on this journey with God, I have had discouraging moments. Moments where I wanted to walk away and some where I have walked away only to have God place me back in the situation to deal with it. On this journey with God one can find themselves discouraged by the promises/assignments they know God has given them. I know for me God promised in the first year of our journey He would restore my family and bring salvation. It is year five and only three family members have given their lives to Christ and one has walked completely away denounce Christ and accepting another Savior. So, I have had some questions for the LORD over these last five years and to my questions they LORD has said, “my ways are not your ways neither are my thoughts your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8

Then the LORD gave an assignment one was to write this blog. As the assignment came I gave God all the excuses in the world why I could not possible do it.

The writing assignment meant I would have to share very personal information about myself with people I do not even know and to that I told God, NO. There was no way I was sharing my personal struggles with a brunch of strangers and putting it on the internet for the world to access when ever they want, nah, He was going to have to find me another assignment, purpose and redesign His plans for my life because I was not going to do it. I know I made God laugh! I had expend all that energy telling God what I was not going to do only to find myself creating this blog on Saturday November 3, 2007. My first post was a greeting that posted at 9:27 p.m. which is significant to me because it is my birthday.

As I wrote the blog these last four years I get discourage from time to time because I believe more people should be following, reading and responding to the post. I can sometimes get caught up in numbers and forget that I should rejoice when one is encouraged to continue on the journey with God. That if I only have one follower then the one is who God has called me to share with and encourage.

My teacher/mentor shared with the class the principle of sowing and reaping. In Galatians 6: 7b-10, “A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

Because God’s timing is not our time we may not see the fruits of our labor when we want to see them; but I have learned if I keep doing what it is I know God has called me to in due season, I will reap the harvest God has promised. When I started writing this blog, God promised to make my name known to many nations. Can I tell you He is fulfilling His promise? I receive email responses to the blog post from someone in China. While I do not understand the responses, I do know the hand of God is leading and directing me to the place He wants me to be and not where I think I ought to be. There is a line in one of Kirk Franklin songs where he thanks God for not giving him too much too soon.

As I wait and work for the Lord to fulfill all the promises to me, I know discouraging moments may arise. The lesson on Defeating Discouragement we are study now the author started with this sentence: “Discouragement is one of the most effective weapons in the Evil One’s arsenal. We have to remember God’s promises are real and we have to remember His timing is not our timing. “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? I have received a command to bless; he has blessed, and I cannot change it.” Numbers 23:19-20

A couple of weeks ago God give me this scripture and it blessed my soul. It’s from Habakkuk 2:1,3 that is helping me to work and waiting on the LORD to fulfill. “I will climb my watchtower now, and wait to see what answer God will give to my complaint. But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!”

Unfamiliar Ground

“One of the things that attracted me to Yvette was the way she was not afraid to praise God,” my cousin’s husband shared this with my two Christmas ago. That same Christmas he gave me a book by T.D. Jakes entitled Promises from God for Single Women. Admittedly, I have only open the book sporadically over the last two years but I opened it last night to the first page of the relationship section and found some useful words there.

See God knows what you need to hear and when you need to hear it. He has many modes to get it too you but the spirit has got to be willing to accept correction, rebuke and discipline from the LORD, because it is always given in love. He knows that I am struggling with an issue about a certain relationship at this point in my life.

Last night as I read the first sentence which states, “Do you need to have it your way, or no way?” The answer is heck yeah! For so many years I controlled and set the ground rules for all my relationships with men. I decided how far things would go and I decided when it would end with no warning to them. I had no problem walking away from them and the situation. But there have been two men in my life that I have not been able to just walk away from. One I knew since I was a teenager. The love I shared with him was special and unique. He was the first man to break through the cold and closed heart I once had. He was completely honest with me and always called me on my mess. I loved him for that and it was one of the reasons I had fallen in love with him. He told me the things I need to hear and not what I wanted to hear. I was prepared to deal with and face many things with him but he was killed in March of 2004.

In May of 2007 the second man would enter my life and here is where my struggle lies. Maybe, I need to disclose some things about myself before I get into the second man and the struggles and ultimate what I heard God speaking into my heart last night.

I am a daddy’s girl! There is absolutely nothing my dad would not do for me or my siblings. He has been my prince charming for the last 31 years of my life and treated me like a princess. The other men in my life such as my Granddad James and my brothers (especially my eldest brother) have always been there to provide for me. I never had to want for much of anything the last 31 years of my life. If I can be perfectly honest even the women in my life have spoiled me (my mom and cousin). I have always been given their time, attention, love, and material things. Thus I am a spoiled brat, yes, at 31 years of age, I am still spoiled rotten. I still believe things should go my way and people should be there when I want them too. Which is one of the problems I have with man two, he is not always there when I want him to be. Something I am totally not use too at all.

I went into this not expected much from man two but the normal things that are a given, to be respected and treated well. Which he did without a problem? He was many things I wanted in a man and still is. In the early portion of the getting to know you game, I was still dating around. I was in my twenties and not looking for a husband. I was also in my second year of my journey with God. As I think back to the earlier dates we had, one thing that impressed me about him was that he would pray for both of us before each meal. Which had never happen to me on a date before, which I thought was refreshing?

As I enter year five on this journey with God, I have learned He has away of getting you to face your past so that you can move into your future. In past dealings with men I could walk away with no problems. But with man two, I have been unable to completely breakaway from him. It is not due too lack of trying. Over the last three years I have walked away from months at a time only to find myself drawing back to him for some reasons or another. I have inquired of the LORD many times why can’t I just walk away from this man once and for all. I thought two Thursday ago I would just leave this thing alone and even went as far as to say, I heard God telling me to walk away from the situation. I can sometimes hear what I want to hear when I do not want to deal with things. I was all set to delete his number from my phone, delete his email address from my contact list and delete him from my facebook friends list that Friday, as I was praying about something else, I did hear God emphatically telling me not to delete any of the information. Clear as day, I heard, “how many times have you deleted his information only to put it back. Leave it there is what I heard.”

I hate to admit this but a conversation I had with one of my friends/Sister in Christ about man two came to my remembrance. She told me it was time to be a big grown woman and face this thing head on, allowing God to handle the situation and letting His perfect will be done. With all my craziness and me attitude, I know what God has for me is just for me. That includes the man He has just for me. I do not have to master mind anything or demand anything from a person. God will indeed work this thing out and if me and man two are meant to just be friends, being in a committed relationship, or be nothing to each other I am ready to accepted the lessons and experience God wants me to face in this situation because I know I will be better for having gone through it.

God reminding me last night through His Word in Amos 3:3, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? The rest of what T.D. Jakes wrote was this, “How can you have a healthy relationship when you want to call all the shots? Listen to me-it is vital that you are clear about one very important ingredient in a relationship: both of you must be focused on the Lord first in order to make it work. Agree to make the Lord your destination and you’ll find you are walking in the same direction.”

In my many conversations with God, I have said to Him, the man I will be with is the one He handpicked for me. I do not know at this point if man two has been handpicked by God for me because in my hard-headness and stubbornness I never really waited for God to answer. I talked at God about man two never really wanting to hear His response. I do know what I asked God for in a husband and the one thing that is non-negotiable is this, he has to be a man of God, who is submitting his life to God daily. This is a must for me and I am willing and will wait for God to send that man. I might not like the wait time but wait I will.

I am now ready to listen knowing Jesus is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Lead me, guide me along this journey, if you wont lead me I wont go.