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There is a song I like by Kurt Carr called I Believe God. The song says, My faith is strong and anchor, my faith can not be wavered…I believe God, He is invisible…sometimes my faith is tested on this shake road…I believe God…I have seen to many miracles hidden inside my pain…I believe God. The start of 2009 has not been an easy one for me or my family. For all of January and most of February I was sick with walking pneumonia then food poison. Yea, it was not a happy time for me but the love of God and family members keep my spirits up.
Then my cousin learned she had received a lung, so for two weeks, we as a family sit in the waiting area of University of Maryland Hospital @ Baltimore, praying and waiting on Tonya to open her eyes. She never did open her eyes on this side but I believe she is amazed at things Jesus is showing her as she moved from temporary to everlasting. My beautiful cousin took her last breathe on this earth the morning of Friday March 27, 2009. As we meet as a family that morning in the hospital waiting room to decide to take her off the machines, I know the thought running through most of our minds probably was “we have her life in our hands.” I now know we never had that choice but God did because the moment they took her off the machines, I believe she took the hand of her Savior Jesus Christ and did not look back. I believe in those last days of Tonya’s life, she was talking to her Master, and He was telling her it is going to be okay. I will take good care of your family please do not worry about them. I believe Tonya on that Friday morning turned to God give Him her hand because she believe He would take care of her husband, her children, her mother, sister and the rest of her family. So, she let go and let God have His way.
Almost a week after burying my beautiful cousin, I got a call at work from my dad saying, my Grandma had died. I felt like someone had just kicked me in the gut with a steel toe boot. I could not believe it. Most of that day was filled with tears and regret. I think most of my tears came from regret for not coming around or calling her more, especially after finding out she had breast cancer. I keep saying I was going to call or go see her but got caught up with my own life that I always forgot to make that telephone call. I know it is not a time for regret but sometime you have to look at the missed opportunities in your life to learn from them and spending more time with my family, both sides of my family is something I know I need to do.
My Grandma Bea was beautiful in everyway, she would just smile and you would have no other choice but to smile back at her. I remember when I used to call her should would always ask if it was me or my sister. I can hear her laugh and hear her saying “uh huh.” She never said, “you should call me more.” She always talked to you like you called her everyday. My beautiful and beloved Grandma went quietly with her Master and I know her and Tonya are up there wondering why we are crying. After all they have seen His face, He has taken away all their pain away and He has given them the keys to their mansions. Grandma, knowing her probably has plants everyone by now and Tonya probably trying to beautify everyone up there.
As I write this I am laughing at the thought of my two beautiful angels in their heavenly mansions. While my heart still hurts, I can not help but believe God does everything for a reason. I can not help but believe out of our pain God is working His plan to bring more unity to our family, a family that will pray together, a family that will worship Him together and a family that will be better than we were before. In this painful season of life I see the beauty of God at work. I see Him bring my family back together. I see Him saving souls…I see Him not just restoring us but making us better than what we were before.
So, yes, I believe God. I believe there is purpose in my pain. I believe there are miracles hidden in my pain. I believe God because He said, “I will never leave you, nor will I forsake you.” I believe God because He first loved me and He gave His only Son so I would be reconciled back to Him that I would have eternal life with Him. I believe God because I have seen His work. I believe God because I am His work. He is my rock…He is my strength, He is my lily in the field, He is my joy, He is my peace, He is my counselor, He is my Comforter, He is my Help, He is just an Awesome Father.
I rejoice in the pain because I know weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning and this joy I have the world did not give to me and the world can not take it from me.
I BELIEVE GOD!!!
2 comments:
Ryane this is such a wonderful piece. It saddens me to know the pain that your experiencing only because I have been faced with the same pain. However you have dealt with your grief far better than I did. When I lost my mother I questioned my faith in God because I wondered why he would do such a thing to me and my family. But as I got older I realized that he needed her more than we did. She belonged with him and her body needed to rest. Although her death took a huge toll on my brother and things for him never got better, he did accept the Lord as his Christ and savior. Unfortunately his time with us was cut short and he went on to be with the Lord. Losing the both of them hurts but I find comfort in knowing that they are together. Even though God has taken two people from me and my sister he has also blessed us with my two neices and my nephew. So basically I'm saying all this to say that God has so many wonderful things in store for you. This too shall past, and you will get through it. I know that some days will be good and some days wont be so good but you have the strong faith in God and you are a wonderful person. I love you and I am here for you if you need me.
Ryane I am looking forward to reading your book. Aren't you glad you listened to God's voice when He told you to "write it down". Question, are you putting in the recent loss of your cousin and grandma as a road you have had to travel these last few months? I hope so. Your journey to your Heavenly Father encompasses all your life trials, struggles, joys, pains, victories, gains and losses, because He uses them all to help us grow. But oh what joy we experience when we look back and see the growth, see where God has brought us from, and anticipate all that He has in store for us in our future! Keep writing!
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