The Beginning of My Destiny

While a sophomore in undergraduate I took a class in Public Relations with Dr. T. Ford-Ahmed. She asked us to write an article to be submitted to a newspaper or magazine. As I think back to the assignment and the article I wrote, I see the hand of God moding me all those years ago for the day He would tell me to turn that article into a book.

Here is the article I wrote as a sophomore that in a few short months will be release as my first book.

Have you ever lived through what you believe was a nightmare? I have. I believed that the events of December 3, 1993 would haunt me forever. It would be this day that would shape the rest of my life. It would be shortly after 8:30 pm I believe when my sister’s friend would wake me up from my sleep to tell me our next door neighbor had just shot my mother, sisters, and brother. I sat up and looked at her for moment thinking, “What reason would Randy have to shoot my family.
So I returned to the warmth of my pillow and scolded her for playing a horrific game on me, “Get out of my room,” I yelled, but she would not go away. She shook me awake again, insisting I get up and call my grandmother.

I lay there listening to her try to comprehend her words for about two minutes before I heard the screaming, the sirens, the police officers and my sister’s daughter crying. I jumped to my feet, stepped outside my bedroom door and went to the top of the steps where my 1-year-old niece was standing. I took her in my arms while Kia handed me the telephone “Call your grandmother,” she told me again while taking my niece out of my arms.

While I was on the telephone, a police officer who stood at the bottom of the stairs directed me to come down so he could talk to me. I continued talking to my grandmother and yelled, “No, I’m not coming down there.” I was scared! I didn’t know of my family members’ bodies were down there or not. I kept saying no until an officer that I knew from school came in and asked me to come down. I trusted him and felt he would not allow me to see the bodies of my family. Still on the telephone, I walked cautiously down the steps. As I turned to face the officers, I saw my sister lying in our doorway bleeding. At that moment I knew my life would never be the same.

My grandmother told me she was on her way. I hung up the telephone and stood there thinking, “What could have made him do this?” Then I heard a paramedic say, “We have a black woman in her late 30s to early 40s with a gunshot would to the head, shoulder and leg.” I just dropped to my knees feeling helpless and weak. No one I knew had ever lived after being shot in the head. What would I do know? My mother! My sole purpose in life is gone! The woman who give birth to me and took care of me all my life may be dead.

At that moment, it seemed as if someone snatched my heart out of my chest and began to stomp all over it. I sat there thinking my mother meant everything to me. How could I survive in this world without here? How could this happen to my family, who I just saw alive and well hours earlier? How could this happen to me? What I did I do to deserve this?

I started to cry again. Then another one of my sister’s friends ran through the door and yelled, “Tracy is dead.” My 19-year-old pregnant sister was dead.
I went ballistic, kicking the television, screaming: My heart was completely broken. The comfort those around me tried to offer was simply not enough.

My thoughts returned to my neighbor, who had sat on the back porch with me and my family. How could he shoot them down as if they were nothing? This was too much for me to handle. I was 15-years-old and the life I had known was complete gone. I began to focus on my niece, so tiny, so innocent, precious and hopeful. How were we going to explain to her that her mother was gone and never coming back?

When I finally went outside the house of horror I found out my brother was shot in the chest and the leg and that he was on his way to the hospital.

I later found out that my mother jumped at our neighbor after he shot my sister and brother. She had to stop him from shooting her children down as if they where nothing. In the midst of them fighting for the gun, she managed to get her fingers on the trigger of the gun, shooting and killing him in the process.

All of a sudden another emotional overcame me and this time in was rage and anger. I could have shot, hit or stabbed someone in order to make them feel the pain I was experiencing at that moment. The people I loved were dead or on their way to an operating room to fight for their lives.

When I arrived at the hospital where my mother and sister were, my brother and aunt met me. They told me my mother and sister were ok and they should make a full recovery.

Another aunt called to let us know my brother, who was taken to another hospital, was also ok and should make a fully recovery. This was great to hear, but what about the emotional recovery? I thanked God for letting three members of my family survive the attacked but in the same breathe I questioned and was anger with him for allowing my sister and her unborn baby to die.

At Tracy’s funeral, I sat there feeling helpless. I could not believe the person I had grown-up with all my life was dead. She was the one I told secrets too, the one I went to when things were going wrong. Who was going to be my confidante now?

Following Tracy’s funeral I refused to admit she was dead. I could not and would not accept the fact we buried her and her baby boy, even though I had witnessed it with my own eyes. I could not accept the fact my sister and her baby were dead. My nephew never got a chance to take one breath in this world. It all seemed so unholy to me.
The months following their deaths, I walked around pretending nothing happened. I convinced myself she had only moved way and she would be back one day. I did everything the same as always. I went to school, talked on the telephone, went out with my friends and had fun like a normal teenage girl.

One day as I sat in the school auditorium, Tracy walked across the front of the stage. I was so happy, thinking, smugly to myself, “I knew she wasn’t dead; I knew she would be back.” But then, poof, she was gone. The person I saw was a classmate of mine and not Tracy. Tears of anger rushed down my cheeks. I wanted my sister back. I wanted to hold my nephew.

My friends took me to the counselor’s office but instead of talking, the counselor sent me home. She called my mother and told her what happened and suggested she take me to see a psychologist. I would start see a psychologist once a week for a year and a half I was still feeling the void left by the loss of my sister and nephew and thought no amount of counseling was going to full it.

It seemed like the more I tried to deal with it the worse I got. One night I walked into my bathroom looked in the medicine cabinet and decided to end all my pain. I could not take being without my sister any longer. I took some pills that were my mother’s and went to lie in my bed. But suddenly a voice in my head told me I did not want to die, I wanted to live and get through this.

I got up and called my father. He immediately came and rushed me to the emergency room, where I drank some black stuff that looked and tasted like charcoal.
This was undoubtedly one of my darkest hours. As I lay in the hospital psych ward in nothing but a hospital gown, I wondered what I did to make God abandon me when I needed Him the most. Was I an evil child? Is this why he took my sister and nephew away from me? I had lost my faith in God. When people would tell me he does everything for a reason, I thought, “What was His reason for taking Tracy? Why should I turn to Him?”

I was still trying to cope with my sister’s death and the multiple shootings of my family, when one of my friends was killed in a car accident. His funeral was at the same mortuary where Tracy’s was held. I replayed her funeral all over again in my head. This was too much for me. Why was I losing the people I cared about? What could I do about it? Nothing!

I was even more depressed than before. I thought nothing or no one could help me through this. Death appeared to hold a vigil at my door. Some moths later another friend was killed and then another. Every month it seemed like someone I knew was dying and all I could so was cry. Death was all around me.

I could not escape it; I knew God had it out for me. He simply did not love me any more. What was left? I attempted suicide again. I tried to overdose on some pills that I found. I lay in my bed and prepared myself for my death. When I closed my eyes I thought, “The pain is over, you can rest easy now.” I woke up the next morning to my disgust and wondered why God kept me here. If He did not love me, I wanted Him to let me go.

That is when my grandmother told me “God was not ready for my yet and He had a plan for me. You may not know what it is right now,” she said quietly and confidentially, “but He will let me know when the time is right.”

That same day my mother gave me her Bibles with some passages highlighted to read. I sat there in my bed and wondered if they were telling the truth about God never really abandoning me. Had I abandoned Him and His Word instead?
I finally did what everyone had been encouraging me to do. I got on my knees and asked God for His help.

Psalm 23 would ministry to me on many days when I felt like life was too much. I would try and read it everyday because it brought me comfort. I believed the Lord was my Shepherd; I shall not want. I started to believe God walks with you in your time of need; all you have to do is call on Him. I believed, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will feel no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and staff comfort me.”

Things started to look up for me. I begin to think about my future again and what I wanted to do with my life. Suicide was not the answer any more because I had God on my side and I knew it. I made a promise to myself, my family, my sister and my God that no matter how hard things got, I would never try to commit suicide again.
Months after making this promise, I came home from school to find out my brother Ronnie was murdered in the same alley where Tracy was murder only two and a half years earlier. He had been shot several times and no one knew who did this to him. All the pain I felt when Tracy was killed came rushing back. I asked God why He didn’t let Ronnie die that night with Tracy and the baby if He was going to let him die now. Why did I have to go through this again?

Suicide was not an option so I turned to alcohol to ease my pain. I was 17-years-old when my birthday was murdered, it was two weeks before my 18th birthday.
I was drunk at Ronnie’s funeral. I could not take being at that funeral home again. I sat there looking at my brother in the casket and wondering why? Not knowing who sis this to him was killing me inside.

The more pain and hurt I felt, the more I drank. I went on a four month drinking binge. It would take me looking in the mirror one day and realizing this is not who I wanted to be, so I returned to my God and asked for help.

Since the murders of my siblings I have watched many of the people I have grown up with are buried but I have tried with everything in me to lean on the Lord. I would loss two very dear friends to violent deaths.

The last 12 years of my life have been an emotional rollercoaster but when I submit to the will of God, is when I found peace in the midst of the storm. I used to believe I would never be happy. I used to believe inner peace was never gone to be mine. But the moment I let go and give it all to God, He begin to heal my broken heart. He begins to make me over in His glorious image from the inside out.

Healing, faith and deliverances are what From the Gutters to a Mansion: My Journey to My Heavenly Father is all about. It’s about how I tried to make it through the storm without God and how He time and time again saved me, not only from other people but from myself.

God Bless!
Ryane

LORD Is My Shepherd

Last night as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep, Psalm 23:1 came to my thoughts. It says, “The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.” After I read it I just continue to repeat it, then the need to read Isaiah 55 came. Then I was lead to Matthew 6: 25-34, it was during this reading I begin to think back to a 3:00 a.m. wake up call from the LORD back in July of 2009. The LORD had wake me up and lead me through Deuteronomy 28, Psalm 23, Isaiah 55, Matthew 6:25-34 and ending with Hebrews 11:1.

This was the order I read the scripture in that earlier morning back in July of 2009. But last night the LORD started with Psalm 23:1, I now understanding why, as I sit here writing this blog post, I know God started with Psalm 23:1 because I had to believe and trust in Psalm 23:1 to full grasp what He was trying to get to me in the rest of the scriptures.

See, after the LORD lead me through the scripture back in July, He said, “the doors of Heaven are open ask for what ever you want and it will be given to you.” One of the things I asked for was salvation for my family. This week I found myself before the LORD daily praying and praising Him for my family salvation. I have been feeling like something miraculous is about to occur. I can not really put in words this feeling I have had all week long. It’s like a kid on Christmas Eve, knowing that his/her parents got them just what they asked for but they have to wait to get the gifts. That excitement has been so overwhelming in me this week, knowing God is on the verge of doing some wonderful things in the life of my family. I am that kid on Christmas Eve just wanting to un-wrap the gifts but knowing I have to wait for the Father.

I am patiently waiting, working, praying and praising God during this time for I know the storm clouds are rescinding and the peace of the LORD is coming over my family. The faith I have in God has been tested to say the least these last three years. In the last three years I have wanted to walk away, I have been depressed, I have felt like no one understand what I was going through, discouragement was at a all time high, the call the LORD has placed on my life was in doubt, and the promising God had made me were in doubt. But thanks be to an awesome God, who provides sustaining grace and He has taught me that I can have peace in the midst of my storm. He has taught me through experiences with Him, I can trust Him no matter what with everything concerning me. Cause He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will lead me through the valley of the shadow of death and no harm will come to me. For He is my Father and He is my peace!

I am at a place where I can say, “What you (enemy) meant for evil, God is working it out for my good.” During the last three years my relationship with Christ has deepened, my resolve to work the plan He has for my life has only intensified, my prayer life is better then ever, and my faith and trust in God to be my every thing is stronger than ever and growing. I know for sure He is my Healer, Deliverer, Provider, Comforter and my Peace!

I can’t help but to look back over my life, my life apart from God and my life with God. I am so thankful for all He has done. The other night I was talking to my sister and she said, “Ryane you are strong.” This has been something I heard the LORD saying over the last three years, you are stronger then what you think you are. Father, I hear you and I know it is because of Your love and sustaining grace that I am. It is that same sustaining grace I know is available to my family.
As I wait and watch the LORD fulfill His promises, I rejoice knowing He can always be trusted. Knowing that The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He Found Me

One of my facebook friends posted a status this morning asking, “Was God ever really lost.” In response too so many people saying they find Him. In the book of Revelation, Jesus says, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.”

With that scripture in mind I do not believe God was ever lost but that we were lost. In His infinite love for us God sought us out so that we could be reconciled back to Him. The evidence of His love for us is so clear in the life, death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Looking back over my life and when I heard the Lord knocking on the doors of my heart back in 2004, I begin to think about a better life, one free from the pain and anger that was so apparent in my life since I was 15 years old. So many people had come in my life from that point, who talked about the goodness of the Lord. I never really thought a good God would allow me to go through so much heartache and pain. I held on to a lingering notion that God really could not love me or mean me any good with all life had shown me at such an early age. So for years I went through life feeling a hurt and void no one could fill. Until one day back in 2004 I noticed a yearning in me to be truly free from hurt and pain. Thinking back I now know it was God gently leading me to Him.

See in the midst of my pain and hurt God begin to reveal Himself to me. He begin to tell me drinking, sex and all the other ways I was self-medicating to deal with the pain was truly not the answer to dealing with my pain. He told me, “II have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” When I wrapped my mind around the fact God said there will be trouble in my life but that He had dealt with it, my heart begin to open to Him more. In August of 2005, I heard the LORD clearly saying now is the time for you to come on this journey with me and I will heal your broke heart and every broke thing in your life.

As I enter year five of my journey with God, I am so glad He found me. I am so overjoyed that I continue each day to discovery her mercy, grace and joy each day. I know and believe that “surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever!

Thank you God for finding me and loving me enough to come looking for me even when I was not looking for you! Thank you for being the light of my salvation and my bright and morning star, the joy of my strength I have find in You and Your Word. I am so much better since you find me and delivered me from my pit.