Unfamiliar Ground

“One of the things that attracted me to Yvette was the way she was not afraid to praise God,” my cousin’s husband shared this with my two Christmas ago. That same Christmas he gave me a book by T.D. Jakes entitled Promises from God for Single Women. Admittedly, I have only open the book sporadically over the last two years but I opened it last night to the first page of the relationship section and found some useful words there.

See God knows what you need to hear and when you need to hear it. He has many modes to get it too you but the spirit has got to be willing to accept correction, rebuke and discipline from the LORD, because it is always given in love. He knows that I am struggling with an issue about a certain relationship at this point in my life.

Last night as I read the first sentence which states, “Do you need to have it your way, or no way?” The answer is heck yeah! For so many years I controlled and set the ground rules for all my relationships with men. I decided how far things would go and I decided when it would end with no warning to them. I had no problem walking away from them and the situation. But there have been two men in my life that I have not been able to just walk away from. One I knew since I was a teenager. The love I shared with him was special and unique. He was the first man to break through the cold and closed heart I once had. He was completely honest with me and always called me on my mess. I loved him for that and it was one of the reasons I had fallen in love with him. He told me the things I need to hear and not what I wanted to hear. I was prepared to deal with and face many things with him but he was killed in March of 2004.

In May of 2007 the second man would enter my life and here is where my struggle lies. Maybe, I need to disclose some things about myself before I get into the second man and the struggles and ultimate what I heard God speaking into my heart last night.

I am a daddy’s girl! There is absolutely nothing my dad would not do for me or my siblings. He has been my prince charming for the last 31 years of my life and treated me like a princess. The other men in my life such as my Granddad James and my brothers (especially my eldest brother) have always been there to provide for me. I never had to want for much of anything the last 31 years of my life. If I can be perfectly honest even the women in my life have spoiled me (my mom and cousin). I have always been given their time, attention, love, and material things. Thus I am a spoiled brat, yes, at 31 years of age, I am still spoiled rotten. I still believe things should go my way and people should be there when I want them too. Which is one of the problems I have with man two, he is not always there when I want him to be. Something I am totally not use too at all.

I went into this not expected much from man two but the normal things that are a given, to be respected and treated well. Which he did without a problem? He was many things I wanted in a man and still is. In the early portion of the getting to know you game, I was still dating around. I was in my twenties and not looking for a husband. I was also in my second year of my journey with God. As I think back to the earlier dates we had, one thing that impressed me about him was that he would pray for both of us before each meal. Which had never happen to me on a date before, which I thought was refreshing?

As I enter year five on this journey with God, I have learned He has away of getting you to face your past so that you can move into your future. In past dealings with men I could walk away with no problems. But with man two, I have been unable to completely breakaway from him. It is not due too lack of trying. Over the last three years I have walked away from months at a time only to find myself drawing back to him for some reasons or another. I have inquired of the LORD many times why can’t I just walk away from this man once and for all. I thought two Thursday ago I would just leave this thing alone and even went as far as to say, I heard God telling me to walk away from the situation. I can sometimes hear what I want to hear when I do not want to deal with things. I was all set to delete his number from my phone, delete his email address from my contact list and delete him from my facebook friends list that Friday, as I was praying about something else, I did hear God emphatically telling me not to delete any of the information. Clear as day, I heard, “how many times have you deleted his information only to put it back. Leave it there is what I heard.”

I hate to admit this but a conversation I had with one of my friends/Sister in Christ about man two came to my remembrance. She told me it was time to be a big grown woman and face this thing head on, allowing God to handle the situation and letting His perfect will be done. With all my craziness and me attitude, I know what God has for me is just for me. That includes the man He has just for me. I do not have to master mind anything or demand anything from a person. God will indeed work this thing out and if me and man two are meant to just be friends, being in a committed relationship, or be nothing to each other I am ready to accepted the lessons and experience God wants me to face in this situation because I know I will be better for having gone through it.

God reminding me last night through His Word in Amos 3:3, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? The rest of what T.D. Jakes wrote was this, “How can you have a healthy relationship when you want to call all the shots? Listen to me-it is vital that you are clear about one very important ingredient in a relationship: both of you must be focused on the Lord first in order to make it work. Agree to make the Lord your destination and you’ll find you are walking in the same direction.”

In my many conversations with God, I have said to Him, the man I will be with is the one He handpicked for me. I do not know at this point if man two has been handpicked by God for me because in my hard-headness and stubbornness I never really waited for God to answer. I talked at God about man two never really wanting to hear His response. I do know what I asked God for in a husband and the one thing that is non-negotiable is this, he has to be a man of God, who is submitting his life to God daily. This is a must for me and I am willing and will wait for God to send that man. I might not like the wait time but wait I will.

I am now ready to listen knowing Jesus is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Lead me, guide me along this journey, if you wont lead me I wont go.

Unfinished Business

As I enter day 2 of the Lenten Season, I am reminded of what was spoken to me at my churches fall revival in 2009. The Pastor told me I had left several assignments from God undone. He said, “I was not living up to the call/purpose the LORD has purposed for me. He continued to tell me, if I would just let go and trust God, I would be amazed at where God would take me. He concluded that I had received enough in God’s permissive will that it was time for me to start living and operating in God’s perfect will.”

The things the Pastor had spoken to me that night were not new to me because God had spoken them to me before and sent others before the Pastor at revival with the same message. It was in my hard-headiness, fear and procrastination that I did the bare minimum and prayed the LORD would bless my effort. I believe God did bless the effort back then, He knew where I was in Him, meaning He knew my spiritual maturity. At the same time the Lord also knew I was growing in my knowledge of who He was and who He said I was to Him.

It is past time for me to operate in what Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I trust God! I had no really faith in myself to do the things God was calling me to do. I did not trust myself fully to do those things that were assigned to me and went as far as to question God at times as to why He trusted me so much. It was in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” and Psalm 139 (http://www.biblica.com/bible/verse/?niv=yes&q=Ps139 ) God would give me my answer.

So, as I prepared myself for Ash Wednesday Worship Service on yesterday, I asked God to give me a scripture for this Lenten Season. He gave me Jeremiah 29:11, He gave me the scripture that He has given me for the last three years. The number three biblical means completion.

This morning as I sat at my computer to write this post I knew I would writing something about what I would give up for Lent. What I did not know was the LORD would bring back to my thoughts about the confirmation message He gave to the Pastor at fall revival to give to me.

I totally agree with God, it is time for me to stop allowing fear, procrastination and my will to interfere with His plan and purpose for my life. So, instead of giving up things I would only start again after Lent is over. I am giving up fear, procrastination and my will to living in God’s perfect will for my life. I know it is the best thing to do because my relationship with Christ is the best thing that has every happen to me. I LOVE YOU FATHER!!!

Letting Go and Letting God have His Way

There are two bible studies I am undertaking right now, the first being one I started later in the summer about the suffering of Job. The other is one of the bible study class I am taking Journey into Overcoming, both dealing with suffering, trials and tribulation in life. Many of you who read this blog on a regular basis do not have to be reminded of the many situations and adversities I have faced in this life. I have seen death, sickness, depression and so forth. What I have gathered from Ray Steadman’s Suffering of Job and the first lesson in Journey to Overcoming is trials, suffering and tribulations all come to bring us closer to God plan for our lives.

As I look back on my life, especially the difficult times of my life, I can see the hand of God all over my life. I can see how He tried to redirect my steps in some situations and why He allowed others to occur. I am not saying I know why everything good, bad or indifferent occurred in my life because I do not understand it all. What I do understand is the love of God and how that has greatly impacted my life. There have been many trials in 2009 for me but there have also been many victories. I now can discern the voice of God clearly. I can hear Him speaking to me and leading me on the path He purposed and ordained for my life. I know for sure the gifts He has placed with in me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He indeed loves me.

In this season of loses and gains for me, I have found myself wrestling with God and the call He has on my life. I sometimes find myself trying to ignore Him or making up excuses for not doing the things He has called me to do. Yes, I have been disobedient to the Father. Some of my disobediences is due to fear and the rest is my uncertainty or at least that is what I tell myself. The fear part is real the uncertainty I am not so sure about. I know God has called me and purpose me because He has purposed each one of His children that He has called out of the darkness into His marvelous light. As He told Jeremiah, I know the plans I have for you.

I know the Father has a plan for my life, I am at a place where I am fighting His will for my life and I truly want to walk in that will but I do not know how to stop fighting Him. My desire is to be in His perfect will for my life…to lose myself totally and completely in Him and the plans He has already set in place for me. I just have not learned how to let go and let God have His way. I spend so much time telling Him what I want and how I would like things to be that I miss a lot of what He has to say to me. I spend so much time thinking about the way my life should be that I miss out on much of what He says my life will be like. I know two of my gifts are prophecy and exhortation. I know for sure the talent He has given me is writing. I also know that He wants to use me for other things but I am so afraid of leaving folks behind, moving to another level which would mean leaving people behind and letting someone have full control of my life, even though I know God will never do anything to hurt me.

So my prayer for myself and the one I am asking you all to pray for me is that I let go of fear and I totally let go and let God have His way and that His prefect will be done in my life.