Seeking God (Except from my forthcoming book: From the Gutters to a Mansion: My Journey to My Heavenly Father)

So I would return home a couple of months after my graduation. It was not easy trying to find a job especially in the field I wanted to pursue. I became completely and utterly frustrated. I was told good résumé but you need more experience for this market. I was so dejected I slipped back into a depression. I was doing temporary work in place of a real job. It just felt like I had failed. I had done everything they say you have to do to succeed. They said go to college. I went. They said do internships. I did that. They said get involved in campus activities that will help you in your career. I did that, too. They said to network with people already in your field. I did that, too. I did everything I was advised to do and still did not have a job in my chosen field. I was so depressed that my hair started to fall out and my waistline start to expand. I just felt like school was a total waste if I could not get a job in my field. I remembered the preacher at A.P. Shaw. I went to church again with the same results. But I was not ready to give my life to Christ. Even after praying for a Pastor and realizing that God had answered my prayers with Pastor Lyles.

I was so down at this point, but I remembered who had gotten me through so many other difficult situations. GOD! So after months of wallowing in pity I went back to A.P. Shaw again thinking, “Surely this man was not the real deal” with so many self-appointed preachers out here I still questioned if what I was feeling was real. Again, I went to A.P. Shaw and again something in my spirit felt good and I heard God’s Word, but I still wanted to do what Ryane wanted to do. I wanted to come to God ready and at that point and time. I was not ready. But what I learned was when you wait to get right before you go to God, you probably never will. Go to Him as you are and He will cleanse you. It says in Romans 12:2 to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. So, do not wait until you get yourself together but go to him as you are and He through His Word will transform you. He will change the way you think, the way you talk, heck He will even change the way you walk. He will building in you a new creature.

Then one day in August as I sat on the couch doing nothing, this feeling came over me. It was like I was sitting back watching flashes of my life. I begin to think about all the hell I had been through. The night my sister was murdered came to me, and I remembered the pain I felt when they told me she was dead. I remembered the utter hopelessness I felt after learning my mother had been shot with my other sister and brother. I remembered how scared I was the night my brother’s friend came into my bedroom and began to violate my innocence. Yet, another thought came to me when I sat in the mental ward at P.G. County Hospital after yet another failed suicide attempt. I could not help but ask God why, was I thinking about these things. Why? Then, another thought came to me it was the day my sister told me my brother was dead. I thought about his funeral. I thought about all the friends and neighbors who had been murdered. I thought about all the nights I cried myself to sleep. Then, another memory came to me, this time it was of a happier time. I thought about my college graduation. It was a long, hard road to get to that day, but I believed God’s hand was on me the entire ride. It was then I heard, COME HOME. After this moment I decided if I was going to keep on waiting until Ryane was ready or was prepared, then I would probably never be ready. So, I decided I was going to church that Sunday and I was going to give my life back to Christ. I say give it back to Christ because it was His anyway scripture tells us in Jeremiah that, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.”

I really didn’t have any more excuses anyway. I could not say anything about me not feeling the preacher because I actually did feel the Word of God. That excuse was out the window. Then, my other excuse was time and school, well school was over and all I had was time on my hands. The other excuse was church people, we know how church people can be, but I really was not concerned about that, another excuse gone out the window. So when I sat there and had my discussion with God, I knew it was time to come home. I went to service that Sunday morning determined to give my life to Christ, and I did. My sister Renee rededicated her life to Christ that day. I was happy with my choice. I chose life.