Unfamiliar Ground

“One of the things that attracted me to Yvette was the way she was not afraid to praise God,” my cousin’s husband shared this with my two Christmas ago. That same Christmas he gave me a book by T.D. Jakes entitled Promises from God for Single Women. Admittedly, I have only open the book sporadically over the last two years but I opened it last night to the first page of the relationship section and found some useful words there.

See God knows what you need to hear and when you need to hear it. He has many modes to get it too you but the spirit has got to be willing to accept correction, rebuke and discipline from the LORD, because it is always given in love. He knows that I am struggling with an issue about a certain relationship at this point in my life.

Last night as I read the first sentence which states, “Do you need to have it your way, or no way?” The answer is heck yeah! For so many years I controlled and set the ground rules for all my relationships with men. I decided how far things would go and I decided when it would end with no warning to them. I had no problem walking away from them and the situation. But there have been two men in my life that I have not been able to just walk away from. One I knew since I was a teenager. The love I shared with him was special and unique. He was the first man to break through the cold and closed heart I once had. He was completely honest with me and always called me on my mess. I loved him for that and it was one of the reasons I had fallen in love with him. He told me the things I need to hear and not what I wanted to hear. I was prepared to deal with and face many things with him but he was killed in March of 2004.

In May of 2007 the second man would enter my life and here is where my struggle lies. Maybe, I need to disclose some things about myself before I get into the second man and the struggles and ultimate what I heard God speaking into my heart last night.

I am a daddy’s girl! There is absolutely nothing my dad would not do for me or my siblings. He has been my prince charming for the last 31 years of my life and treated me like a princess. The other men in my life such as my Granddad James and my brothers (especially my eldest brother) have always been there to provide for me. I never had to want for much of anything the last 31 years of my life. If I can be perfectly honest even the women in my life have spoiled me (my mom and cousin). I have always been given their time, attention, love, and material things. Thus I am a spoiled brat, yes, at 31 years of age, I am still spoiled rotten. I still believe things should go my way and people should be there when I want them too. Which is one of the problems I have with man two, he is not always there when I want him to be. Something I am totally not use too at all.

I went into this not expected much from man two but the normal things that are a given, to be respected and treated well. Which he did without a problem? He was many things I wanted in a man and still is. In the early portion of the getting to know you game, I was still dating around. I was in my twenties and not looking for a husband. I was also in my second year of my journey with God. As I think back to the earlier dates we had, one thing that impressed me about him was that he would pray for both of us before each meal. Which had never happen to me on a date before, which I thought was refreshing?

As I enter year five on this journey with God, I have learned He has away of getting you to face your past so that you can move into your future. In past dealings with men I could walk away with no problems. But with man two, I have been unable to completely breakaway from him. It is not due too lack of trying. Over the last three years I have walked away from months at a time only to find myself drawing back to him for some reasons or another. I have inquired of the LORD many times why can’t I just walk away from this man once and for all. I thought two Thursday ago I would just leave this thing alone and even went as far as to say, I heard God telling me to walk away from the situation. I can sometimes hear what I want to hear when I do not want to deal with things. I was all set to delete his number from my phone, delete his email address from my contact list and delete him from my facebook friends list that Friday, as I was praying about something else, I did hear God emphatically telling me not to delete any of the information. Clear as day, I heard, “how many times have you deleted his information only to put it back. Leave it there is what I heard.”

I hate to admit this but a conversation I had with one of my friends/Sister in Christ about man two came to my remembrance. She told me it was time to be a big grown woman and face this thing head on, allowing God to handle the situation and letting His perfect will be done. With all my craziness and me attitude, I know what God has for me is just for me. That includes the man He has just for me. I do not have to master mind anything or demand anything from a person. God will indeed work this thing out and if me and man two are meant to just be friends, being in a committed relationship, or be nothing to each other I am ready to accepted the lessons and experience God wants me to face in this situation because I know I will be better for having gone through it.

God reminding me last night through His Word in Amos 3:3, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? The rest of what T.D. Jakes wrote was this, “How can you have a healthy relationship when you want to call all the shots? Listen to me-it is vital that you are clear about one very important ingredient in a relationship: both of you must be focused on the Lord first in order to make it work. Agree to make the Lord your destination and you’ll find you are walking in the same direction.”

In my many conversations with God, I have said to Him, the man I will be with is the one He handpicked for me. I do not know at this point if man two has been handpicked by God for me because in my hard-headness and stubbornness I never really waited for God to answer. I talked at God about man two never really wanting to hear His response. I do know what I asked God for in a husband and the one thing that is non-negotiable is this, he has to be a man of God, who is submitting his life to God daily. This is a must for me and I am willing and will wait for God to send that man. I might not like the wait time but wait I will.

I am now ready to listen knowing Jesus is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Lead me, guide me along this journey, if you wont lead me I wont go.