Reflections

As the hours are running out on 2010, I find myself reflecting on all 2010 has meant, for me the first 8 months of 2010 was stagnant, unproductive, undisciplined and lacking in self-control. It was in the first 8 months that I could not believe I was still going through such tough losses, while still trusting in God. While still doing some of the work God has prepared for me to do. I could not believe my life had not turned the corner at that point. Why was God not moving in my life and turning things around for me? Why was He still giving me things to do and encouraging me to fulfill my God given purpose but was not answering my prayers for relief from my situations? So, I just did enough the first 8 months of 2010 to say I did something. Honestly, I did not put my best foot forward I just put a foot forward and said, “I did it.”

Then one day as I sat on the beach in Virginia Beach in August, things changed from that day. I had a totally awesome experience with God that propelled me to stop just existing but to start living again. God told me I was in a season of loss. My mind went to something my Associate Pastor asked me two years ago, Was God the joy of my strength.” To which I said, “Yes.” That meant to me, even in this season of loss, He was still the joy of my strength. This was the beginning of 2010 turning around for me. It was the beginning of my journey to rediscovery. I need to rediscovery the God, who found me in my loss state and clean me up. I need to rediscover the unique things God has disposed into me that make me Ryane Belynda Nickens. For that I went on a road trip for six week, visiting friends and each friend held a key to unlock the part of me I had locked up. It started in Chicago and brought me back to Washington, DC, renewal, revived and even the more determined to fulfill God’s plan for me life.

So, 2010 for me was a season of loss but in my losses I found Ryane Belynda Nickens again. As I head into 2011, I know God has a plan to prosper me. Today, Isaiah 43:16-18-19, spoke to the very way I was feeling about entering 2011. It reads, “This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” For I know the LORD is doing a new thing with me. I know He is preparing me to enter into another season and to experience Him at another level. So, as I take the lessons learned in 2010 with me into 2011, I go thanking God for being true to His Word and not leaving me or forsaking me. Even when I wanted Him too! I thank Him for always loving me, protecting me, guiding me and I know it will continue in 2011.

I pray God will reveal Himself to you in an awesome and magnificent way in 2011. Be safe and Happy New Year!!! May it be filled with God’s glorious presence and His awesome blessings!!!

Matrimonial Money: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 10

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if they fall down, they can help each other up. But pity those who fall and have no one to help them up! Ecclesiastes 4:3-10

12 Days to Go: It’s Not Just about You

Main Point: Together as one you can become better stewards of your money.

My Pledge: I will work with my spouse to develop a set of rulers to govern how we handle our money together.

Daily Assignment: If you are married (or engaged, as in there’s a ring and a firm date set), work together to come up with at least ten “House Rules” to handle your money as a couple. I’ve already started you off with four, so you only have six more to go. Once you are in agreement, write down the rules. I mean it. Put them on paper and keep the rules handy so there is no question what you both agreed to.

In addition to mediating on the Scripture for today, read Luke 14:28. Discuss with your spouse what this Scripture means. Here’s a hint: The passage is about the importance of planning.

If you are not married, make a list of the financial qualities you would like to have in a mate. Now, create a list of the financial issues you have and would like to improve upon before getting married.

My Response:
Qualities I would like in a mate.
1. A excellent steward of his financial resources.
2. Financial stable.
3. A mate who is able to tell me no and be firm, when it comes to my impose spending.
4. A tithier.
5. Someone who knows how to budget.

List of my financial issues I would like to have improved before getting married.
1. Be more financial responsible.
2. Reduce some or most of my debt.
3. Have a working budget I am living within.

Diversification Delivers: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 9

Invest in seven ventures, yes, in eight; you do not know what disaster may come upon the land. Ecclesiastes 11:2

13 Days to Go: Investing for Your Future

Main Point: Understand that when you invest, you put your money at risk.

My Pledge: I will examine my investments to make sure I’m well diversified.

Daily Assignment: Visit a website that explains the basics of investing. I’ve already listed several, but at least start with www.finra.org or www.mymoney.gov.
Review your investment statements-including your retirement account and your children’s college fund. Look at where and how you’ve allocated the money in your 401(k) or other retirement plans. Is it spread across various asset classes? Or have you concentrated your contributions in just one or two types of asset categories? In other words, is your money all in one basket?

If you are not investing, make the commitment today to begin investing for your future. If you are eligible for a 401 (k) plan at your job, start contributing to it. If your employer doesn’t provide a retirement plan, resolve to invest anyway. You can open an IRA. To find out more information about IRA, go to www.ivestorprotection.org. Read “Maximize Your Retirement Investments.” You can also find information on how to open an IRA at www.choosetosave.org.

My Response: I am currently unemployed, so there is no 401 (k) for me to invested in. However, I am working towards being self-employed and will look into opening an IRA account for myself.

Taking a journey down honest avenue right now...I have yet to write down my budget. Why, you ask? I have no clue! I will committment today to set aside Friday night to work on my budget, however, hard it is for me to do.

Pray for me, because I need it!!!

The Salvation of Saving: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 8

The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty. Proverbs 21:5


14 Days to Go: God’s Blueprint for Saving

Main Point: There is great reward in saving.

My Pledge: I will commit today to set aside a percentage of every paycheck for my savings.

Daily Assignment: If you are not regularly saving money, make the commitment today to save at least 5 percent of every paycheck. For example, if your net income during one pay period is $1, 500.00, you will save $75.00.

If you work for a company, contact your benefits coordinator to set up an automatic deposit into your savings account. Put the money into an account and resolve not to touch it.

If you are already saving, consider increasing the amount you are putting aside. Five percent is just a beginning. If you really want to boost your savings, go to 10 or 15 percent.

To give your savings a purpose, list the things you would like to do with the money. For example, pay off a debt, take a long-overdue vacation, make some home improvements, etc. Post the list someplace where you will see it frequently to help maintain your commitment and motivation to save.

My Response: I am currently not saving any of my income, due to the fact, 95 percent of it goes right back out the door. But I will make a commitment starting today to saving at the very least $10.00 out of every check I receive to start with.
In the future I will put away five dollars from every book I sale into a saving account that will not be touch. It will be in my Emergency Fund account.
I can use the money to assist with my book tour I will take in 2011, to promote my first book. The money can be used to pay off debt and to help my parents and Granny with their bills or wants.

The Providence of Preparation: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 7

Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored. Proverbs 13:18

15 Days to Go: Budgeting for Life

Main Point: A budget is your roadmap to prosperity.

My Pledge: I will be diligent and develop a budget so that every penny I earn has a purpose.

Daily Assignment: You know what to do. Follow all the instructions in the chapter to begin putting your budget together. You may not finish today, but you must begin the process today. By the end of Day 11, which is the end of part 2: “Prepare Yourself to Prosper,” you should have completed your budget. (You can find an online version of this budget at www.washingtonpost.com/singletaryP2Plinks).
Journal daily from now through Day 11 about your feelings concerning your budget. Use the sample journal entry in the appendix as a reference if you need help. Whatever you do, don’t give up-even if the numbers look grim. Remember that God is with you during this entire process.

My Response: I am working on this assignment and it is no fun at all. I know how much debt I have and to whom I owe it too. My budget should not be that hard to do, what I am finding hard to do is face the mess I made of my finances. Facing a financial future within a budget, something I have never done. I am not the must discipline person on the planet, as evidence by my finances. But I believe creating this budget will help me be more accountable and responsible with my finances.

Coveting versus Contentment: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 6

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 1 Timothy 6:6-8

16 Days to Go: Satisfaction Guaranteed
Main Point: Be content with what you have.

My Pledge: Today, I promise I will not complain about anything I don’t have.

Daily Assignment: Make a list of at least three things you’ve said lately that express a lack of contentment. For example:
I wish I had a bigger house.
I don’t have anything to wear.
We never go anywhere.

After you make the list, ask God for forgiveness for not appreciating what you have.
Clean out your house. You didn’t think I was kidding, did you? Well, maybe not the whole house today. Instead, pick one room or a closet or toy bin and pull everything out. Sort everything into three piles: Keep it trash it, give it away. Give or throw away everything you haven’t used in the last year.

My Response: A major of my stuff is in storage, making this assignment nearly impossible. I went through my items before I placed them in storage and ridden myself of all the things I did not need or want.

The Evils of Entitlement: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 5

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Ecclesiastes 2:10

17 Days to Go: The World is Enticing

Main Point: A sense of entitlement could be getting in the way of God blessing you.

My Pledge: Today, I’ll think about something in my life that I did or purchased that I know realize was giving in to a sense of entitlement.

Daily Assignment: Think of an occasion where you gave in to your sense of entitlement. For example, did you take a vacation that ended up putting you further into debt?
How much did your sense of entitlement cost you? Write down the amount so you can own up to it.
Today I want you to list at least three things you are grateful for. Then, in a specific prayer, I want you to give thanks to God for those blessings. As the song goes, “Count your blessings, name them one by one.” The following are examples of things to be grateful for:
I have a job.
I have someplace to live.
I have my own teeth.

My Response: It was back in July when I visited the T-Mobile store for a new charger for my phone and saw the new Windows phone. Though there was nothing wrong with my current phone I wanted the Windows phone and thought because of everything I had lost and going through the last three years, I deserved something new to play with. I brought the phone and a month later it was stolen for an outdoor community event I was volunteering at. So, $358.00 was wasted because I do not submit my claim to the insurance company in a timely fashion.

Father,I am grateful today for my family & friends who have encourage me and been there for me the last three years. You have blessed beyond anything I could imagine in giving me people who love me for me and support and encourage me to be all You want me to be. I am also grateful for a roof over my head, when so many people who have lost there jobs during this recession, have also lost their homes and are now homeless. I thank you!!! For I know it could have been me but you continue to bless me. I am also thankful and grateful for Your Presence in my life because had it not been for you…I surely would have lost my mind during this time but I am clothe in my right mind because You would not take Your hand off of me.

Love Your Child,
Ryane Beylnda Nickens

Tithing Today: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 4

Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine. Proverbs 3:9-10

18 Days to Go: First Fruits

Main Point: Tithing is still applicable today.

My Pledge: I will commit to tithing or recommit to continue tithing.


Daily Assignment: If you are not a tither, make a list of the reasons why you don’t tithe. Your list might include things like:
I can’t afford to tithe.
I am afraid I won’t have enough to pay my bills.

Add up all the nonessential expenses you had in the last month, such as cable, eating out, going to the movies, etc. How much are you spending on these?
Figure out how much your tithes would be per month and compare this with the money you spent on nonessentials. Do you see places you can cut your expenses to find the money to tithe?

If you are already tithing, are you tithing on your gross income? If not, take a look at your discretionary spending (cable, cell phone, entertainment) and consider cutting back so that you can tithe on the full amount of your “increase.”
If you already tithe on your gross income, examine your offerings or charitable contributions to other organizations. Are you giving as much as you can? Or are you tithing to the penny, while grousing that you can’t or won’t give another dime to anything else?

My Response: I believe if I budget appropriately I will be able to give more in offerings each month to my home church. We currently have a building fund pledge going on to help renovation our church. I filled out the card but I have yet to turn it in because I do not really know where I am going to find the money, I thought. After four days on the financial fast I believe I can support this effort with the $20.00 a week a waste on unnecessary things. I plan on turning in the card with my first donation this Sunday.

God’s Generosity: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 3

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

19 Days to Go: Cheerful Giving

Main Point: To whom much is given, much is required.

My Pledge: I will identify someone-a friend, family member, neighbor, or co-worker-who needs help either with cash (I can afford to give away) or my time. I will use God’s generosity toward me as an example of how to be generous to others. As I prosper, I will share my wealth with others.

Daily Assignment: Think of at least one person who could use some help financially. For example, perhaps there is someone you know struggling to purchase groceries. Could you pick up some extra grocery items for them when you do your shopping? If you can’t afford to help someone with cash, how else might you ease their financial burden? Perhaps you could offer to babysit for an evening. Maybe you know a neighbor whose care has been repossessed. Offer to drive the person on a few errands or take them to work for a week free of charge.

My Response: At this time I am not able to help anyone financial. Every dollar of my income is account for each week. I am on this financial fast to learn how to budget and handle the money God has provided for me. I can and will seek other ways to be of help to someone else with my time and talent.

A Promise of Prosperity: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 2

But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deuteronomy 8:18


20 Days to Go: God Will Provide

Main Point: God promises prosperity.

My Pledge: To find the key to wealth, I have to understand that prosperity comes with conditions. I must follow God’s will and Word for my life.

Daily Assignment: Listed below are the Ten Commandments. As you review each one, ask yourself these questions: “Have I broken this commandment in ways that have left me broke? Have I ignored a commandment and been robbed of financial peace?” After each commandment are some additional questions to consider. You don’t have to answer all the questions, but read through and see which ones most apply to you. Write your responses in your journal.

“ You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.” (Exodus 20:7). List at least one time in which you cursed God for not having the things you want. How did that impact your relationship with God?

My Respone: There are a number of the ten commandments I have broken over my life span. The one that jumps out at me is “ You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.” In the last three years I have seen many things/people taken away from my life. Just as I was getting around to get my finances in order, I was let go from my job. It was almost four months before I recieved my first unemployment check. At that point I was three months behind on my rent and other bills had piled up. In the months to come I found myself slowly but surely going deeper into debt. I was tithing and giving my offering on the money God was bring into my life. I was still giving my treasure, time and talent but there was no release from my financial burden.

I found myself one day this year asking God, why had others who were not doing anythign for Him prosper and here I was giving Him my time, talent and treasure but I was still under heavy financial debt. I remember cry out and asking God, "where are you?" I need you!!!

Hebrews 13:5 "“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”God, had been telling me this for the last three years, along with the Do Not Worry passage in Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. and Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Knowing God is always with me and as Numbers 23:19-20 records, "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? I have received a command to bless; he has blessed, and I cannot change it." I feel closer to the Lord and every trial appears to bring me closer to God.

The Power to Prosper: 21 Day Financial Fast_ Day 1

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Isaiah 58:6

A couple of weeks ago I started working on my 5-year life plan. As I looked at the areas of my life I wanted to set goals for I felt pretty good about all but one. My finances!!! I am going to go ahead and admit I am horrible with money. I spend, spend and think about the cost later on. So, I looked at the financial section of my 5-year life plan and thought I would save that portion for last. But in the last week, my finances have been at the top of my discussions with God. I feel trapped in debt, mad at myself for making so many bad choices, and really unsure of how to rein in my spending. How do I break myself out of this poor money management system or the lack of any system?
It was a couple of months ago that I picked up Michelle Singletary book “The Power To Prosper: 21 Days to Financial Freedom”. I read the Acknowledgements and the introduction chapter then put it down and did not pick it back up until it was time to return it back to the library. I have made myself become accustom to be in the library to write at least four days a week. While I was in the back waiting for something, I found myself standing next to the books on finances and again there was Michelle Singletary’s book. I looked at it and it looked at me…then something within me told me to pick it up and try again. So, I picked the book up again. Thinking to myself am I really going to be able to complete a 21 day financial fast, in which, I purchase nothing but the bare essentials. Am I even capable of doing something like this?
Not sure if I am capable but the next 21 days will tell me if I am capable of not spending money on anything but the bare essentials. In the book Michelle Singletary suggested we keep a journey and this will be my journey…you guys already know all my business anyway…why not take this journey with me. She also has an assignment at the end of each reading for the next 21 days.

21 Days to Go: Breaking Bonds
Main Point: We need to be set free from the bondage spending holds on our lives.
My Pledge: For the next twenty-one days, I will be on a spending diet. I will not shop for anything except necessities. I will not use my credit card. I will limit or eliminate the use of my debit card. I will use cash for purchases I make during the fast. In this way, I will strive to break the chains that keep me from achieving financial freedom.
Daily Assignment: Make a list of any potential obstacles that may prevent you from sticking to the fast and then decide how to eliminate them. For example, instead of putting your credit cards in a drawer or file cabinet, freeze them. Yes, that’s what I said. Put the cards in the freezer. That’s what one person did so that she wouldn’t be tempted to use her cards. If you are a shopaholic, you may need to change your driving pattern so that you don’t go near your favorite shopping places.
Take this pledge and then sign your name on the line below:
“I promise to follow the 21-day financial fast so that I may put myself on the path of prosperity and financial freedom.”
Ryane Belynda Nickens
My List:
Food- I go to the gym five days a week in between the timeframe of 10:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. each day and then to the library. According to the trainer I need to eat at least 5 small meals a day, which means I stop at local sandwich shop or fast food store to pick something up for lunch. For the next 21 days I will pack a lunch and snacks to take with me and eat that instead of going to a restaurant.
I Need-I living under the assumption that I need everything that I purchase, when in reality I know I do not. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to lead me in making the right financial choices over the next 21 days and everyday after that.

So, the journey begins…wish me luck!!!

Open Letter

This is a short story I am working on called Open Letter. I pray you enjoy and look forward to hearing your thoughts on Open Letter.

It’s August 19, 2009 and I am home on a raining day with my over active imagination. For months I have been pondering over this letter. What do I say to someone I have never meet? How do I start this letter? Will you read it before we meet? Are just a few of the question in my mind? I often find myself thinking about you, wondering if we will ever meet. Wondering if you have those perfect brown eyes like a brown new penny fresh from the mint. Wondering if your smile fits the one I walk around with in my head. You know, one of those smiles that can make a girl melt. If your touch would cause me to forget where I am, of course, these are all physical attributes.

Yes, a physical attracting is important but I really need a spiritual connection with you also. I wonder about your relationship with our awesome Heavenly Father. What are your favorite bible verses? What songs do you sing to encourage yourself in the Lord? Where are you on your spiritual journey with the Lord?

I wrote this prayer to God about you a couple of years back then I went and updated it back on August 20, 2008, so this is the eve of the one year anniversary of my updated prayer to God concerning you. As you can see, we have not cross paths yet. I believe we have not met yet because God is still working on the both of us. He is making sure we are both ready for one another. You see if I have some issues, some things God needs to get rid of before we meet. I know you probably are being transformed too, which is my prayer. Yes, I do pray for you! Not that God would send me a husband but I pray for your strength, career, comfort, success, family, peace, joy and I pray God will keep you while we are apart. That He would also keep you when we are together. It is easy to pray for a husband but I do not just want to pray for a husband I want to pray for the husband God has specific for me, I believe that is you. So instead of praying for a husband I pray for your needs to be met and God will give you the desires of your heart.

I mentioned earlier that I have some issues, yes, even though I would love to say, I’m perfect, I have to admit that I am only close to perfection. I am a daddy’s girl. No old lawds!!! Yes, I am spoiled, yes, I am a spoiled little brat. Sometimes I just want what I want, which, I know you have guessed it. I can also be stubborn at times when I do not get it. My mom says I get it from my dad but truth be told I get it from the both of them. I know how to compromise a little. I am still learning though. I will get it. Hey, I have been a spoiled little daddy’s girl for over 30 years so it is going to take a little while for me to get through this thing. I can be a little stuck-up at times, a tidbit lazy at times, and I procrastinate a lot and sometimes I just want to be left alone.

With all my faults, I can honestly say, you will never find a bigger supporter than me. While I can be a little spoiled and self-centered at times, I will always encourage you to be the man God purposed and anointed you to be. I will never put my own needs ahead of yours. I will stand by you and be the wife God has called me to be. I do not just want to be your wife I want to be your best-friend and lover.

In this prayer letter I wrote to God I asked that you be a believer in Jesus Christ. That you be rooted in the Word of God. That you be a God fearing man and not a man I have to put the fear of God in. That you not just be a hearer of the Word but also a doer of the Word! That you would be a man who would give God his time, talent and treasure for the up building of God’s Kingdom! That you would be a man who would be filled with the fruits of the spirit. That you would be strong and firm but still have a gentleness about yourself. That you would be someone who is able to admit when he is wrong. That you would be a compassionate, comforting, affectionate, patient, honest, disciplined, faithful, honorable man who I could share my life with. These are just a few of the things I prayed God will instill in you.

As your friend, wife and lover I will be the woman God has called me to be. I will submit to you, as you submit to Christ Jesus. I will honor you, in your presence and when I am not in your presence. I will display the fruits of the spirit in our courtship and marriage. I will be the wife God has called me to be. I will be honest, considerate, compassionate, comforting, affectionate, patient, faithful, and a honorable woman to you.

See I am not asking you to do or be anything I myself am not willing to do. So, as I wait for you. I plan to keep myself from this day forth, not allowing any other man entry into what has been predestined for you. I plan to keep myself for you from this day forward because it is what God requires and it is my act of love for you. While I will not be a virgin when we marry, you will be the last man to every touch me sexually. It gets hard sometimes during this waiting period but I pray my anxious will not overtake me. I pray you will do the same.

I love you and can’t wait to the day we are join together in holy matrimony.

God Bless You
Your Future Friend, Wife and Lover

This is just freaking brilliant, Melody, I mean it has heart, it has compassion, and who really thinks to write an open letter to their future husband. I heard my literary agent Lindsay say as I stood in absolute horror as she read my very personal letter to the future husband I was starting to believe will never come.

Lindsay, I thought you where in here making calls, why are you reading my personal journal entries. It is personal! It’s something that is just between me, God and the other person I wanted to read it. I found myself saying to what I knew was a brick wall that could not be torn down. I knew Lindsay had already made up in her little overworked Starbuck invested mind she was going to try and sell this to a magazine or newspaper. I had to find a way to talk her out of this. I mean the letter read like some desperate church girl letter. How could I leave me journal open? I must be a glutton for punishment. What in the heck am I going to do, there is no way I am going to let her try and sell this letter.
Earth to Melody, earth to Melody…is anyone home.

Lindsay, you can not sell this letter to anyone. It is personal for Christ sake. It is between me and my future husband. No one else! Come on Lindsay, can I wrote something to keep for myself, must I always be an open book to my readers. Gosh, I mean I share almost everything with them, they know when I am cramping, they know when I am anger, they know when am I broke, I mean they know almost everything about me.

My sweet, sweet Melody, hun, as your agent, you have not written anything close to this good in a minute. Melody, think about it for a second honey, think about all the lonely women at there praying to God for a husband, waiting on the Lord to answer their prayers. When they read the great Christian writer Melody Sweets is in the same position as they are, yes, she is beautiful and brilliant but she has the same struggles as they have as single Christian women. You know your readers would eat this right up and with that slick smile of hers she adds, who knows you may just get a husband out of this.

The purpose of the letter Lindsay was that my future husband would read it on the eve of our wedding and know I was thinking about him specific before we were joined together by our God. It is not for a brunch of lonely Christian women, God bless their lonely selves but I am tired of being there motivation, there example of everything Godly in a women. I mean dang, can I keep anything for myself!!!

While, my dear, if you do not come up with some good material I can submit to magazines and newspapers soon or finish your book, you will have a cardboard box you may keep to yourself while you sleep under the South Capitol Street bridge!

Did you have to go there?

Yes, you need to get off your high horse and start letting me submit some of these journal entries. I float the central idea of a lot of your journal entries around to some of my friends and associate in the industry, they think it is very good, in fact, one major newspaper is looking for a Christian writer to be open and honest about their walk with Christ.

The Beginning of My Destiny

While a sophomore in undergraduate I took a class in Public Relations with Dr. T. Ford-Ahmed. She asked us to write an article to be submitted to a newspaper or magazine. As I think back to the assignment and the article I wrote, I see the hand of God moding me all those years ago for the day He would tell me to turn that article into a book.

Here is the article I wrote as a sophomore that in a few short months will be release as my first book.

Have you ever lived through what you believe was a nightmare? I have. I believed that the events of December 3, 1993 would haunt me forever. It would be this day that would shape the rest of my life. It would be shortly after 8:30 pm I believe when my sister’s friend would wake me up from my sleep to tell me our next door neighbor had just shot my mother, sisters, and brother. I sat up and looked at her for moment thinking, “What reason would Randy have to shoot my family.
So I returned to the warmth of my pillow and scolded her for playing a horrific game on me, “Get out of my room,” I yelled, but she would not go away. She shook me awake again, insisting I get up and call my grandmother.

I lay there listening to her try to comprehend her words for about two minutes before I heard the screaming, the sirens, the police officers and my sister’s daughter crying. I jumped to my feet, stepped outside my bedroom door and went to the top of the steps where my 1-year-old niece was standing. I took her in my arms while Kia handed me the telephone “Call your grandmother,” she told me again while taking my niece out of my arms.

While I was on the telephone, a police officer who stood at the bottom of the stairs directed me to come down so he could talk to me. I continued talking to my grandmother and yelled, “No, I’m not coming down there.” I was scared! I didn’t know of my family members’ bodies were down there or not. I kept saying no until an officer that I knew from school came in and asked me to come down. I trusted him and felt he would not allow me to see the bodies of my family. Still on the telephone, I walked cautiously down the steps. As I turned to face the officers, I saw my sister lying in our doorway bleeding. At that moment I knew my life would never be the same.

My grandmother told me she was on her way. I hung up the telephone and stood there thinking, “What could have made him do this?” Then I heard a paramedic say, “We have a black woman in her late 30s to early 40s with a gunshot would to the head, shoulder and leg.” I just dropped to my knees feeling helpless and weak. No one I knew had ever lived after being shot in the head. What would I do know? My mother! My sole purpose in life is gone! The woman who give birth to me and took care of me all my life may be dead.

At that moment, it seemed as if someone snatched my heart out of my chest and began to stomp all over it. I sat there thinking my mother meant everything to me. How could I survive in this world without here? How could this happen to my family, who I just saw alive and well hours earlier? How could this happen to me? What I did I do to deserve this?

I started to cry again. Then another one of my sister’s friends ran through the door and yelled, “Tracy is dead.” My 19-year-old pregnant sister was dead.
I went ballistic, kicking the television, screaming: My heart was completely broken. The comfort those around me tried to offer was simply not enough.

My thoughts returned to my neighbor, who had sat on the back porch with me and my family. How could he shoot them down as if they were nothing? This was too much for me to handle. I was 15-years-old and the life I had known was complete gone. I began to focus on my niece, so tiny, so innocent, precious and hopeful. How were we going to explain to her that her mother was gone and never coming back?

When I finally went outside the house of horror I found out my brother was shot in the chest and the leg and that he was on his way to the hospital.

I later found out that my mother jumped at our neighbor after he shot my sister and brother. She had to stop him from shooting her children down as if they where nothing. In the midst of them fighting for the gun, she managed to get her fingers on the trigger of the gun, shooting and killing him in the process.

All of a sudden another emotional overcame me and this time in was rage and anger. I could have shot, hit or stabbed someone in order to make them feel the pain I was experiencing at that moment. The people I loved were dead or on their way to an operating room to fight for their lives.

When I arrived at the hospital where my mother and sister were, my brother and aunt met me. They told me my mother and sister were ok and they should make a full recovery.

Another aunt called to let us know my brother, who was taken to another hospital, was also ok and should make a fully recovery. This was great to hear, but what about the emotional recovery? I thanked God for letting three members of my family survive the attacked but in the same breathe I questioned and was anger with him for allowing my sister and her unborn baby to die.

At Tracy’s funeral, I sat there feeling helpless. I could not believe the person I had grown-up with all my life was dead. She was the one I told secrets too, the one I went to when things were going wrong. Who was going to be my confidante now?

Following Tracy’s funeral I refused to admit she was dead. I could not and would not accept the fact we buried her and her baby boy, even though I had witnessed it with my own eyes. I could not accept the fact my sister and her baby were dead. My nephew never got a chance to take one breath in this world. It all seemed so unholy to me.
The months following their deaths, I walked around pretending nothing happened. I convinced myself she had only moved way and she would be back one day. I did everything the same as always. I went to school, talked on the telephone, went out with my friends and had fun like a normal teenage girl.

One day as I sat in the school auditorium, Tracy walked across the front of the stage. I was so happy, thinking, smugly to myself, “I knew she wasn’t dead; I knew she would be back.” But then, poof, she was gone. The person I saw was a classmate of mine and not Tracy. Tears of anger rushed down my cheeks. I wanted my sister back. I wanted to hold my nephew.

My friends took me to the counselor’s office but instead of talking, the counselor sent me home. She called my mother and told her what happened and suggested she take me to see a psychologist. I would start see a psychologist once a week for a year and a half I was still feeling the void left by the loss of my sister and nephew and thought no amount of counseling was going to full it.

It seemed like the more I tried to deal with it the worse I got. One night I walked into my bathroom looked in the medicine cabinet and decided to end all my pain. I could not take being without my sister any longer. I took some pills that were my mother’s and went to lie in my bed. But suddenly a voice in my head told me I did not want to die, I wanted to live and get through this.

I got up and called my father. He immediately came and rushed me to the emergency room, where I drank some black stuff that looked and tasted like charcoal.
This was undoubtedly one of my darkest hours. As I lay in the hospital psych ward in nothing but a hospital gown, I wondered what I did to make God abandon me when I needed Him the most. Was I an evil child? Is this why he took my sister and nephew away from me? I had lost my faith in God. When people would tell me he does everything for a reason, I thought, “What was His reason for taking Tracy? Why should I turn to Him?”

I was still trying to cope with my sister’s death and the multiple shootings of my family, when one of my friends was killed in a car accident. His funeral was at the same mortuary where Tracy’s was held. I replayed her funeral all over again in my head. This was too much for me. Why was I losing the people I cared about? What could I do about it? Nothing!

I was even more depressed than before. I thought nothing or no one could help me through this. Death appeared to hold a vigil at my door. Some moths later another friend was killed and then another. Every month it seemed like someone I knew was dying and all I could so was cry. Death was all around me.

I could not escape it; I knew God had it out for me. He simply did not love me any more. What was left? I attempted suicide again. I tried to overdose on some pills that I found. I lay in my bed and prepared myself for my death. When I closed my eyes I thought, “The pain is over, you can rest easy now.” I woke up the next morning to my disgust and wondered why God kept me here. If He did not love me, I wanted Him to let me go.

That is when my grandmother told me “God was not ready for my yet and He had a plan for me. You may not know what it is right now,” she said quietly and confidentially, “but He will let me know when the time is right.”

That same day my mother gave me her Bibles with some passages highlighted to read. I sat there in my bed and wondered if they were telling the truth about God never really abandoning me. Had I abandoned Him and His Word instead?
I finally did what everyone had been encouraging me to do. I got on my knees and asked God for His help.

Psalm 23 would ministry to me on many days when I felt like life was too much. I would try and read it everyday because it brought me comfort. I believed the Lord was my Shepherd; I shall not want. I started to believe God walks with you in your time of need; all you have to do is call on Him. I believed, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will feel no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and staff comfort me.”

Things started to look up for me. I begin to think about my future again and what I wanted to do with my life. Suicide was not the answer any more because I had God on my side and I knew it. I made a promise to myself, my family, my sister and my God that no matter how hard things got, I would never try to commit suicide again.
Months after making this promise, I came home from school to find out my brother Ronnie was murdered in the same alley where Tracy was murder only two and a half years earlier. He had been shot several times and no one knew who did this to him. All the pain I felt when Tracy was killed came rushing back. I asked God why He didn’t let Ronnie die that night with Tracy and the baby if He was going to let him die now. Why did I have to go through this again?

Suicide was not an option so I turned to alcohol to ease my pain. I was 17-years-old when my birthday was murdered, it was two weeks before my 18th birthday.
I was drunk at Ronnie’s funeral. I could not take being at that funeral home again. I sat there looking at my brother in the casket and wondering why? Not knowing who sis this to him was killing me inside.

The more pain and hurt I felt, the more I drank. I went on a four month drinking binge. It would take me looking in the mirror one day and realizing this is not who I wanted to be, so I returned to my God and asked for help.

Since the murders of my siblings I have watched many of the people I have grown up with are buried but I have tried with everything in me to lean on the Lord. I would loss two very dear friends to violent deaths.

The last 12 years of my life have been an emotional rollercoaster but when I submit to the will of God, is when I found peace in the midst of the storm. I used to believe I would never be happy. I used to believe inner peace was never gone to be mine. But the moment I let go and give it all to God, He begin to heal my broken heart. He begins to make me over in His glorious image from the inside out.

Healing, faith and deliverances are what From the Gutters to a Mansion: My Journey to My Heavenly Father is all about. It’s about how I tried to make it through the storm without God and how He time and time again saved me, not only from other people but from myself.

God Bless!
Ryane

Dream Deferred- Wait

In the book of Habakkuk the prophet is told by the LORD, “Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald (or so that whoever reads it) may run with it. The LORD also tells him, ‘the revelation awaits an appointed time’...though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”

I do not know if you all have heard this saying, “vision comes before provision. God has given me a vision and He has implanted in my heart a desire to encourage, uplifted, inspire and share through writing the love of Christ Jesus. some years ago as I prayed about my future and the plans that God had for me, it was revealed to me I would be a written and the first book I would write would be about my journey to a fulfilling relationship with God. The revelation I received was to write. Write books, short stories, articles and this blog. So, for the last four years I have been writing and working on my first book From the Gutters to a Mansion: My Journey to My Heavenly Father. This is the first book God has given me to write and I have completed the book, now I wait for the provision to self-publish.

It seems this year I made up my mind to publish the book finally. I sat a release date of May, but because of financially setbacks I had to push it back to August, which will know not happen; because even more financially hardships. The last couple of weeks I have found myself questioning God about the plans for my life. Had I really heard Him correctly that His plans for me was to be a Christian writer or was there a misinterpretation on my part. If so, what were His plans for my life? Was I operating in the spiritual gifts, talents, abilities He has given me?

I need to know if I was on the right path. I need the LORD to tell me if I was in His perfect will with this writing dream or was I still trying to get things in His permissive will as I have done in the past.

The answer to my questions came in the form of another thought for a book called The Righteous Man. It also came in an couple of emails sent to my personal email account about the blogpostings. How they had inspired, encouraged and helped the reader to stay on the path God was leading them on.

There was still apart of me questions God about the struggle of publishing this book and about the overall struggles 31-years on this earth has shown me. Was I meant to struggle through this life? Not so, according to what God said in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Then there is what Jesus told the people of why He came in John 10:10, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

So, if I am on the path God wants me on and His Word tells me, He has plans to prosper, to give life and give it more abundantly then where is my book deal or the $8,000.00 I need to self-publish.

Which takes me back to what God told the prophet Habakkuk, “the revelation awaits an appointed time’...though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”

Here is what I must remember as I continue to work on my writing and wait on the LORD, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” My time will come because I know “…he who began a good work in me (you) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I have the vision and I continue to work on it, as I wait for the provision ($8,000.00 needed to publish first book) to be sent my way. Habakkuk said, “ 1I will stand on my guard post; And station myself on the rampart; And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me.”

What will the LORD answer be to my request for provision to publish the book (vision); He has given me. I will let you know! Numbers 23:19-20 says, “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? I have received a command to bless; he has blessed, and I cannot change it.

Those who wait on the LORD will never be disappointed!

God Bless!!!

Mind Games

I would like to continue to share with you about my Thursday morning crying-out session with God. During my crying-out session I found my thoughts drifting to a place that I used to go when life’s pressure seem too much for me to bear. My mind went to a place I used to go when things felled completely apart. Suicide!

As the thought came to my conscience mind; it came with the thoughts “nothing in your life is going right anyway, why, continue on. Why, continue serving a God who is not answering you? Why, continue to try to be faithful and obedient to a God, who is making you suffer? You have been praying for almost five years for God to change things and work things out for you. What has He done for you but tell you to wait and trust Him? How long are you suppose to wait for Him?

I remember what 1 Peter 5:8, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I remembered the devil’s mission in John 10:10a, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.”

It was then that my thoughts went to what David said, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” I begin to quote Numbers 23:19, “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” I changed my thoughts from despairing thoughts to thoughts of hope as I remembered the goodness of the LORD. It was God who promised me and my cousin Tonya (God rest her soul) a restored, saved and joyous family. I have seen in the past 18 months my family come together more and more in fellowship and love. This August we will take a family trip together the first one ever, in which over 90 percent of the family will be in attendance. I count that a blessings from God. I told myself, just because things are not happening the way I want them too does not mean God is not working to fulfill His promises. For He told Isaiah, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways… so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

I lifted up my head, wiped my eyes and continue to encourage myself in the LORD. “This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army (problems, trials and situations). For the battle is not yours, but God's.”

I know during trying times we can be tempted to go back to our old habits of coping or dealing with the trials of life, suicide which is permanent is not the answer (it does not hurt you but those you love and is one of the most selfish acts a person can commit). Then there is trying to drink your problem away, sex it away (if you are not married), drug it away or whatever temporary fix that does not lead to God’s way of dealing with the situations in your life. When life comes at you hard and fast as it will sometimes, you have to “lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth” and trust God to bring you out.

Two scriptures that I always help me when the mind attacks come are Hebrews 13:5b, “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you’.” The other is Numbers 23:19, “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” I also look to back over past victories God has won for me, which also reassures me He is going to come through on my behalf again.

So, no matter what problems you are facing rest assure God is working behind the scenes to bring you out in total victory. Do not give up just keep on trusting Him for He is able to make the impossible possible for you. He knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper and not to harm.
Be blessed and know God is able!!!

Test Are Necessary

Last Thursday was a very hard morning for me. As I continue to look to the LORD for answers to my current situation and future plans, I found myself spiritual frustrated with God. I found myself crying out like the old saints and prophets. Wanting to know, “why do the wicked and ungodly prosper so freely and things/life seem so easy for them.”

Her e I am a child of an All-Knowing, Powerful Father and it seems at every turn for me there is a problem or situation. I sat on the edge of my bed that Thursday morning crying and scream at God to answer me, to talk to me; begging and pleading with Him to answer the concerns of my heart. As I continue to sit there crying and crying out to my Heavenly Father, I heard nothing from Him. I got up from my bed wiped my face and told the LORD, “I trusted Him and would continue to seek Him for answers no matter what.” It was then in my silence I felt the need to play Marvin Sapp’s song "Marvin Sapp Not The Time, Not The Place." The lyric say:

This is not the time for giving up,
this is not your place where you should be,
not the time or the place to lie in defeat,
you got to hold on, you got be strong.


This is not not the time to question your faith,
this is not your place of destiny,
it's not the time or the place to throw in the towel,
you gotta hold on, you you gotta be strong.


Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose,
it's apart of life that everyone goes through.

Sometimes there's joy,
sometimes there's pain,
that's apart of God's plan,
it is His own plan.

I know it was God’s way of encouraging me to be steadfast in Him. As I fastforward to Sunday morning, it was my time to read (Purpose Driven Life, By Rick Warren) and my time in the Word of God. I thought I would read the Psalms, since they spoke to what I was feeling at the time. As I read Psalm 27, I heard Galations 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Then I heard Job, so I went to the book of Job the first chapter and read verses 21-22. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.”

I knew in my heart God had not left me, for in His Word He says, “"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So, I knew God had not left me during the last 18 or so months as I faced illness, death of love ones, lossing my job, unemployment, mounting bills, family concerns and financial adversity. I lefted the house Sunday morning reassured God will provided for me. I made my way to Sunday morning Worship Service and decided to listen to what has become my Sunday morning song “My Soul Is Anchored In The Lord”. I let the lyrics of the song reassure me and encourage to continue to trust in the LORD.

Though the storms keep on raging in my life,
and sometimes it's hard to tell my night from day.
Still that hope that lies within is reassured
as I keep my eyes upon the distant shore;
I know He'll lead me safely to that
blessed place He has prepared


But if the storms don't cease,
and if the wind keeps on blowing, (in my life)
my soul has been anchored in the Lord.

I realize that sometimes in this life
you're gonna be tossed by the waves
and the currents that seem so fierce,
but in the word of God I've got an anchor;
and it keeps me steadfast and unmovable
despite the tide.
But if the storms don't cease,
But in case the wind keeps on blowing, (in my life)
my soul has been anchored in the Lord.
my soul has been anchored in the Lord.

Since, I operate my church’s sound system, I try to get to Worship Service at least 20 minutes early to prepare, so that I am not rush or unable to fully participate in Praise and Worship. When I arrived at church I sat in the sound room looking through the bullentin to see who was preaching and who would be liturgist for the service. Our Lay Leader would be preaching the message (which I am always excited to hear wha God has revealed to him, it is always a journey through the Word of God when he speaks). My eyes got very big when I saw the scripture he would use as His guiding scripture through the message (Job 1:6-12 “Job First Test).

It’s an amazing thing when God sends an confirming Word. I was sitting there thinking, “it was a reason God lead me to Job chapter 1 this morning and He was about to use our Lay Leader to tell me why.” The title of His sermon was “It Is Just A Test” but what I heard was “my dear child, Ryane, this is just a test do not despair.” I thought about what Galations 6:9.

I am here to tell you my brothers and sisters in Christ, as I was told on yesterday, IT IS JUST A TEST. God has not left you to die (spiritual, mental or physical) in your current situation or problem. I would like to share with you the three major test God puts us through reasons for testing that was shared with me.

1. God test our hearts.(That our hearts maybe purified in Him) 1 Chronicles 29:17a

2. God test our faith. (When faith is test, it is for us to become strong in the Lord and develop patience) James 1:2-3

3. God Test our obedience. (From time to time God will test our obedience) Exodus 16:4

If we view the testing phrase as God removing those thing/people out of our lives that were not suppose to be there.

Be blessed and know the LORD sees what you are going through and He will come through for you, so stay in faith.

The Waiting Process

The Waiting Process

It has been my experience that no one really likes to wait for anything. I will be the first to admit I can be very impatient. This journey with God has truly shown me I am not the most patient person in the world. But just imagine you were in King David’s shoes, one day you are out in the fields tending to your father’s sheep and the next moment you are being anointed king over God’s people. Here is the kicker, you have the promise from God that you will be king over His people but you have to wait. See if King David was anything like Ryane, he would have had some questions for God and God’s prophet Samuel. (See 1 Samuel 16 for more details)

Many Bible historians and scholars estimate that King David waited over 20 years to take over the kingship. I do not know about you but 20 years is a very long time to wait for a promise to be fulfilled. Over the last three years I have been waiting on the promises of God to manifest in my life. I can’t say that I have really been waiting patiently on the LORD. I have been waiting in frustration, sometimes anger, and sometimes in tears for the LORD to fulfill His promises to me about my future in Him. It is after the tears, frustration, anger and cry out that God has gently guiding me to a more patience me.

With my life being turned upside down, inside out this last year and God restating and making new promises, I have had to really had to open myself to clearly hear what God is saying to me about the promises He has made to me. Which took me to the book of Job and King David’s life? King David’s life and how he handled the waiting process.

What I found was King David trusted God during this process? He had faith in God to fulfill His promises. God told the prophet Isaiah, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. So, King David knew God could be trusted. I had to look back of my experiences with God and see the times He brought me out of a situation or fulfilled a promise He made to me. As I did that it made it easier to trust in God doing the waiting process.

Then there were the people and situations God had to remove out of David’s life. One night about three years ago, God told me not everyone could go on this next journey with me and being the child that I am. I asked an All Knowing God, why? To which he responded, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." The situation I faced was walking away from a cozy job that paid the bills and left money for fun. Last year I set a date to leave my job on September 30, 2009 would be my last day. Can I tell you all God knows us completely, King David put it this way in Psalm 139, “O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely, O LORD.” God knew full well, I was comfortable at that job and I was not going to leave on September 30, 2009. It was in June 16, 2009 I got a call telling me I was being let go from my position. Which let me know God knows us better then we know ourselves, so sometimes He has to remove people out of our lives and remove us from situations.

I have learned a lot from the waiting process of King David, enough to write a whole book but I will leave you with two more things I learned and that I have applied to my waiting process. God uses this time to prepare you for what He has already prepared for you. My name is already been placed on the best seller list by God but through this blog, other writings, classes and reading other authors books & stories He is preparing me. Like King David, Ryane and you also, have to go through a season of preparation. During this season of preparation doors will open for you to learn more, to grow deeper in your spiritual journey with God. You have to understand during the preparation season there are some test, trials, adversities, and difficult but if you remember God will never leave you, nor will He forsake you and keep your eyes on God nothing will be impossible for you. All the promises God made you will be yours!

The last thing but the most important thing was King David praised God all through out his waiting process. This is one thing I have learnt to do and I encourage everyone to do also. Never forget to thank God and praise Him for all He has done in your life. If you take an honest look at your life there is something to thank Him for. Learning how to praise God during the rough times of your life is very important. There is this saying, when the praises go up the blessings come down. Your praise is a beautiful melody in the eyes of the LORD.

Friendship

I am currently reading a book called “Praying the Heart of David” by Emner Towns. As I was reading about the friendship that existed between David and Jonathan, I thought about my own friends. I have become friends with folks I never thought in a million years, would I call them a friend. But when the friendship is in the will of God, it not only will happen but the friendship will always blossom.

One of my friends I know for sure God has purposed and ordained our friendship because there is no way I would have picked her. But to know her is to truly love her. At first glance she is LOUD and it could be said, she is a little obnoxious and all the way crazy. But she is always caring and always loving. She is that friend you can talk to without always be interrupted. We all need a friend who will just listen.

The Word of God says in Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.” I can truly say that during these rough times my friends have been the greatest. There have been days where I was not the most upbeat person to be around or the most pleasant. But they know me and love me for just who I am.

Then there are the friends I hung out with in clubs or at house gatherings and we drank and enjoyed ourselves. These same friends encouraged me to go after all my dreams. When I gave my life to Christ, they were still there encouraging me along as I journeyed to a closer walk with God. It was these friends who did not push when I turned down drank offers or I said no to going out. They understand and did not attempt to change my mind nor did they throw my past activities in my face.

So, if you have good friends who encourage you to do what is right, who are always there for you (though they maybe far away, as the case with some of my friends), loves you for who you are and prayers with you and for you, consider yourself blessed. No, even better, consider yourself divinely favored by God.

Don't Count Me Out

I am a lover of the arts! The arts help us express our emotions, feelings and it can let a person into what we are going through in a particular season of our lives. I especially love songs written by the people who performing them. The add such a power to them when the person knows the love, joy, pain, hurt and struggle of the lyrics they are singing. With that being said, I do believe songs written for other people can be sung with power.

A poet on open mic night performing one of there pieces, it can be something of beauty to watch them, their facial expressions, the hand movement and the delivery of the piece. The dancer taking an original piece of choreography and presenting it for the first time, you can see the energy, love and care it took the dancer to put every movement together.

The arts in of itself can be a very challenging field to pursue as a career. Many put all they have into their particular craft and some die still pursuing their dreams. History has shown many artists especially painters were not acknowledged for their brilliance until after their deaths. I wonder to myself at times do I have it in me to pursue this writing career with the same passion many before me have exhibit. In honest I must admit there are times when I question my own passion and talent. I am a microwave baby I want everything done in two minutes with as little effort as possible. However, this self-proclaim microwave baby is being taught a very valuable lesson by God. He is teaching me the talents and gifts, He has given me needs to be nurtured. Other lessons I am learning are humility and anything you want to accomplish in this world you have to work for it and earn it.

I think about the labor of love many writers, painters, dancers, actors, screenwriters, poets, sings and musicians put into their crafts. I sometimes find myself wondering and asking God, “is this worthy it.” Do I continue to pursue this writing career or just give up and settle into a nice job somewhere for the next 30 years then enjoy my retirement? It is in these moments God sends me to Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” So, I continue to write, pray and know the plans God has for my life will manifest in His timing.

The last sentence can sometimes be hard, very hard to do. The waiting process is not the easiest process to go through. As I get ready to release my first book entitled From the Gutters to a Mansion: My Journey to my Heavenly Father, I have an excitement and joy, knowing the LORD is working His plan for my life.

Marvin Sapp has a couple of songs on his new CD that just have been ministering to me. I believe God instructed him to release these songs just for me. (I am crazy enough to believe it, you guys) Songs like Don’t Count Me Out, His Hands Are On You, Comfort Zone, Here I Am and The Best In Me. It is like they scream Jeremiah 29:11 and say Ryane stay focus on God’s plan! I listen to these songs just about everyday. I find my encouragement to continue to write and pursue the plans God has for my life. The writing career, the work God has just for Ryane Belynda Nickens and all the other promises God has made to me.

I especially love Don’t Count Me Out. The lyrics say:

Left alone but never forgotten*
Misunderstood but my future is just starting
God is molding me and making me
He's building me and shaping me
A king {Queen} is being formed right in front of your eyes
So don't count me out


So don't count me out
When you don't see what He sees
You can't tell but His glory is resting on me
I'm His choice
I'm after his heart
The unveiling is starting now

To all those who God has gifted with a specific talent or promise, I encourage you to continue to do what God has put on your heart. Continue to work the plan God has given you, in due season, if you do not give up, you will most certainly reap a harvest for your time spent sowing in whatever God has you doing. I am going to borrow my Pastor Sermon title from this past Sunday, which was “Never Give Up On God Because God Will Never Give Up On You.”

A Call To Love

As I look at the news and read the news websites, my heart often weeps for our world. You hear so much about the hate and violence that has claimed so many lives across the world that it makes you sick to your stomach. I find myself sometimes asking God, why is this happening. How could someone hurt a sweet innocent baby? How could you hate a whole race or culture you do not know? Is it really that easy to step on a plane, train or shopping center and blow up innocent people? Is it that easy to take a gun and gunned down innocent people because you feel like life has hand you a bad deal?

These are some of the questions I present to God when I hear about things like the mass shooting here in Washington, DC that took the lives of five young people or the death and rape of another child at the hands of a child molester. I sit back and think, “Where are we as a group of people that we do not love and respect each other?” Did we loss our humanity or did we never fully have it to begin with?

I know many Christians say, we are not supposed to question God that is a huge no no. My question to them is how do I get answers from God if I did not present my questions to Him. I look at many of the prophets in Bible times who asked God questions about specific things. The prophet Habakkuk had questions He presented to God and they were answered. So, I believe I can present my question before an All-Knowing God and get answers also.

When go before the LORD with these questions, two words are brought to my mind and spirit forgiveness and love. I was talking to my sister a couple of weeks ago about forgiveness, she told me when you have been hurt to the degree she has, forgiving is a very hard thing to do. I shared with her how freeing it can be to forgive those who have hurt you because the forgiveness is not truly for them but for you. I tried to explain to her when un-forgiveness is left uncheck it holds you in bondage to your emotional and to people. God does not want us in bondage. In His Word it says, who the Son sets free is free indeed. (John 8:36) She continued to talk about all the reason she could not forgive the people who had hurt her. I told her you have to deal with the problems head on and talk to God about them and the people who have wronged you, you have to make peace with these situations or they will kill you emotionally and physically, our conversation end with her hanging up on me then not picking up her telephone when I called her back.

I share this conversation I had with my sister because we have to get to a place of forgiveness. I know it is hard, it was hard for me to forgive the man who molested me, it was heard to forgive the people who take the lives of my love ones, and it was hard for me to forgive myself for having an abortion but I had too. I had to forgive because it was the only I could truly love. The only way I could truly love myself, my family, my friends and my neighbor.

Take all your pain, anger, frustration and hurt to God. Tell Him all about it, then when God opens an opportunity talk with the person who hurt you about the situation that caused the pain. When you deal with the situation you will find yourself at that place of forgiveness and letting go.

Forgiveness opens you up to love and “love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

I believe God is calling us into prayer for our family, friends, neighbors, elected officials and this world. It is a call to the body of Christ to pray and go out and tell a dying world about a Savior who looks beyond our faults to our needs. I know there are some pure evil people out here but I also believe some people have let life experiences turn their hearts cold. There is a saying, “hurt people, hurt people.”

I love the fact God sent me to a Bible teaching and believing church. My Pastor in his sermon this pass Sunday encouraged us to continue the work of Jesus Christ and go out evangelize and disciple folks. This is what Jesus Christ’s earthly ministry was about bringing people to the Father, healing them from the hurt, suffering and pain.

So, when I present my questions before God about the ills of this world. His answer to me is pray, show my love, and telling the people about a God who is able to heal their brokenness.

For the greatest commandment is to 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 22:36-39)

The Waiting Process

On Monday morning I found myself sitting in my apartment in tears, feeling like the many trials I am facing was just going to consume me at that point. I sat, cried and talking with my God. I asked Him why so much pain in my life? From my teenagers years upward I have known pain intimately. It seem at times that pain would always be apart of my life.

As I sat Monday morning my soul was crying out to my heavenly Father, how much longer will I have endure pain and lack. I tried to distract myself by getting on facebook but there was no running from this thing. I got on and saw my mentor was online, so I asked her to pray for me, telling her I was just feeling so down. So, she said, “lets go for a ride.” God knows just want you need when you need it.

While I was getting ready, God begin to minister to me; reminding me, my timing and His timing are two different things. Then one of my favorite songs came to me, reminding me God can be trusted. I love Faithful Is Our God by Hezekiah Walker, the lyrics say, “Faithful, faithful, faithful is our God; I'm reaping the harvest God promised me; Taking back what the devil stole from me; And I rejoice today, for I shall recover it all; Yes, I rejoice today, for I shall recover it all. I truly believe I will reap the harvest God has promised. It’s just sometimes the waiting process can truly be a hard one.

I was reminded of what David said in Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.” As I thought about folks who were not following the LORD and not trying to walk in the plans He has for their lives. I thought how prosperous it seems they are, how it is not a struggle for them to get their books published, their finances in order and working the plans they have for their lives.

I must say God did a lot of reminding me of things on Monday. He reminded me I was living for an eternal glory and not just things or to be popular. He reminded me things would not always be easy. That He was my Provider, my Shield, my Refuge and everything I need could be find in Him. I was reminded that God’s blessings come with no curses.

As the LORD took me through His Word, I realized, He had dropped these scriptures into my spirit weeks ago. Like Number 23:19, “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” and Psalm 23:1 “The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

Sometimes I (we) need to be reminded that God is not a man that He should lie. That He is faithful to keep His promises to us. I (we) also need to realize God is not on my (our) schedule. He may not arrive at the time and place I (we) want Him too but He will arrive at the time and place He has scheduled in His book of life. The book that has everyday of my life in it!

I spent the rest of the day with my mentor talking things out and listening. She reminded me, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

So, I encouraged myself with the Word of God knowing “weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5 I had to also remind myself of what Paul said in Galatians 6:9, Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right. 2 Thessalonians 3:13

LORD Is My Shepherd

Last night as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep, Psalm 23:1 came to my thoughts. It says, “The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.” After I read it I just continue to repeat it, then the need to read Isaiah 55 came. Then I was lead to Matthew 6: 25-34, it was during this reading I begin to think back to a 3:00 a.m. wake up call from the LORD back in July of 2009. The LORD had wake me up and lead me through Deuteronomy 28, Psalm 23, Isaiah 55, Matthew 6:25-34 and ending with Hebrews 11:1.

This was the order I read the scripture in that earlier morning back in July of 2009. But last night the LORD started with Psalm 23:1, I now understanding why, as I sit here writing this blog post, I know God started with Psalm 23:1 because I had to believe and trust in Psalm 23:1 to full grasp what He was trying to get to me in the rest of the scriptures.

See, after the LORD lead me through the scripture back in July, He said, “the doors of Heaven are open ask for what ever you want and it will be given to you.” One of the things I asked for was salvation for my family. This week I found myself before the LORD daily praying and praising Him for my family salvation. I have been feeling like something miraculous is about to occur. I can not really put in words this feeling I have had all week long. It’s like a kid on Christmas Eve, knowing that his/her parents got them just what they asked for but they have to wait to get the gifts. That excitement has been so overwhelming in me this week, knowing God is on the verge of doing some wonderful things in the life of my family. I am that kid on Christmas Eve just wanting to un-wrap the gifts but knowing I have to wait for the Father.

I am patiently waiting, working, praying and praising God during this time for I know the storm clouds are rescinding and the peace of the LORD is coming over my family. The faith I have in God has been tested to say the least these last three years. In the last three years I have wanted to walk away, I have been depressed, I have felt like no one understand what I was going through, discouragement was at a all time high, the call the LORD has placed on my life was in doubt, and the promising God had made me were in doubt. But thanks be to an awesome God, who provides sustaining grace and He has taught me that I can have peace in the midst of my storm. He has taught me through experiences with Him, I can trust Him no matter what with everything concerning me. Cause He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will lead me through the valley of the shadow of death and no harm will come to me. For He is my Father and He is my peace!

I am at a place where I can say, “What you (enemy) meant for evil, God is working it out for my good.” During the last three years my relationship with Christ has deepened, my resolve to work the plan He has for my life has only intensified, my prayer life is better then ever, and my faith and trust in God to be my every thing is stronger than ever and growing. I know for sure He is my Healer, Deliverer, Provider, Comforter and my Peace!

I can’t help but to look back over my life, my life apart from God and my life with God. I am so thankful for all He has done. The other night I was talking to my sister and she said, “Ryane you are strong.” This has been something I heard the LORD saying over the last three years, you are stronger then what you think you are. Father, I hear you and I know it is because of Your love and sustaining grace that I am. It is that same sustaining grace I know is available to my family.
As I wait and watch the LORD fulfill His promises, I rejoice knowing He can always be trusted. Knowing that The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

Seeking God (Except from my forthcoming book: From the Gutters to a Mansion: My Journey to My Heavenly Father)

So I would return home a couple of months after my graduation. It was not easy trying to find a job especially in the field I wanted to pursue. I became completely and utterly frustrated. I was told good résumé but you need more experience for this market. I was so dejected I slipped back into a depression. I was doing temporary work in place of a real job. It just felt like I had failed. I had done everything they say you have to do to succeed. They said go to college. I went. They said do internships. I did that. They said get involved in campus activities that will help you in your career. I did that, too. They said to network with people already in your field. I did that, too. I did everything I was advised to do and still did not have a job in my chosen field. I was so depressed that my hair started to fall out and my waistline start to expand. I just felt like school was a total waste if I could not get a job in my field. I remembered the preacher at A.P. Shaw. I went to church again with the same results. But I was not ready to give my life to Christ. Even after praying for a Pastor and realizing that God had answered my prayers with Pastor Lyles.

I was so down at this point, but I remembered who had gotten me through so many other difficult situations. GOD! So after months of wallowing in pity I went back to A.P. Shaw again thinking, “Surely this man was not the real deal” with so many self-appointed preachers out here I still questioned if what I was feeling was real. Again, I went to A.P. Shaw and again something in my spirit felt good and I heard God’s Word, but I still wanted to do what Ryane wanted to do. I wanted to come to God ready and at that point and time. I was not ready. But what I learned was when you wait to get right before you go to God, you probably never will. Go to Him as you are and He will cleanse you. It says in Romans 12:2 to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. So, do not wait until you get yourself together but go to him as you are and He through His Word will transform you. He will change the way you think, the way you talk, heck He will even change the way you walk. He will building in you a new creature.

Then one day in August as I sat on the couch doing nothing, this feeling came over me. It was like I was sitting back watching flashes of my life. I begin to think about all the hell I had been through. The night my sister was murdered came to me, and I remembered the pain I felt when they told me she was dead. I remembered the utter hopelessness I felt after learning my mother had been shot with my other sister and brother. I remembered how scared I was the night my brother’s friend came into my bedroom and began to violate my innocence. Yet, another thought came to me when I sat in the mental ward at P.G. County Hospital after yet another failed suicide attempt. I could not help but ask God why, was I thinking about these things. Why? Then, another thought came to me it was the day my sister told me my brother was dead. I thought about his funeral. I thought about all the friends and neighbors who had been murdered. I thought about all the nights I cried myself to sleep. Then, another memory came to me, this time it was of a happier time. I thought about my college graduation. It was a long, hard road to get to that day, but I believed God’s hand was on me the entire ride. It was then I heard, COME HOME. After this moment I decided if I was going to keep on waiting until Ryane was ready or was prepared, then I would probably never be ready. So, I decided I was going to church that Sunday and I was going to give my life back to Christ. I say give it back to Christ because it was His anyway scripture tells us in Jeremiah that, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.”

I really didn’t have any more excuses anyway. I could not say anything about me not feeling the preacher because I actually did feel the Word of God. That excuse was out the window. Then, my other excuse was time and school, well school was over and all I had was time on my hands. The other excuse was church people, we know how church people can be, but I really was not concerned about that, another excuse gone out the window. So when I sat there and had my discussion with God, I knew it was time to come home. I went to service that Sunday morning determined to give my life to Christ, and I did. My sister Renee rededicated her life to Christ that day. I was happy with my choice. I chose life.

Wait and Work

Last night I was already to write about my bout with depression but this morning as I awoke another word beginning with the letter d came to my mind and persistent even as I begin to workout. Discouragement! In my Wednesday Bible Study class we started discussing defeating discouragement. The author of our Bible Study book Journey Into Overcoming: Rising Above Life’s Toughest Problems stated, “all of us have bouts with discouragement.”

In the five years of being on this journey with God, I have had discouraging moments. Moments where I wanted to walk away and some where I have walked away only to have God place me back in the situation to deal with it. On this journey with God one can find themselves discouraged by the promises/assignments they know God has given them. I know for me God promised in the first year of our journey He would restore my family and bring salvation. It is year five and only three family members have given their lives to Christ and one has walked completely away denounce Christ and accepting another Savior. So, I have had some questions for the LORD over these last five years and to my questions they LORD has said, “my ways are not your ways neither are my thoughts your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8

Then the LORD gave an assignment one was to write this blog. As the assignment came I gave God all the excuses in the world why I could not possible do it.

The writing assignment meant I would have to share very personal information about myself with people I do not even know and to that I told God, NO. There was no way I was sharing my personal struggles with a brunch of strangers and putting it on the internet for the world to access when ever they want, nah, He was going to have to find me another assignment, purpose and redesign His plans for my life because I was not going to do it. I know I made God laugh! I had expend all that energy telling God what I was not going to do only to find myself creating this blog on Saturday November 3, 2007. My first post was a greeting that posted at 9:27 p.m. which is significant to me because it is my birthday.

As I wrote the blog these last four years I get discourage from time to time because I believe more people should be following, reading and responding to the post. I can sometimes get caught up in numbers and forget that I should rejoice when one is encouraged to continue on the journey with God. That if I only have one follower then the one is who God has called me to share with and encourage.

My teacher/mentor shared with the class the principle of sowing and reaping. In Galatians 6: 7b-10, “A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

Because God’s timing is not our time we may not see the fruits of our labor when we want to see them; but I have learned if I keep doing what it is I know God has called me to in due season, I will reap the harvest God has promised. When I started writing this blog, God promised to make my name known to many nations. Can I tell you He is fulfilling His promise? I receive email responses to the blog post from someone in China. While I do not understand the responses, I do know the hand of God is leading and directing me to the place He wants me to be and not where I think I ought to be. There is a line in one of Kirk Franklin songs where he thanks God for not giving him too much too soon.

As I wait and work for the Lord to fulfill all the promises to me, I know discouraging moments may arise. The lesson on Defeating Discouragement we are study now the author started with this sentence: “Discouragement is one of the most effective weapons in the Evil One’s arsenal. We have to remember God’s promises are real and we have to remember His timing is not our timing. “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? I have received a command to bless; he has blessed, and I cannot change it.” Numbers 23:19-20

A couple of weeks ago God give me this scripture and it blessed my soul. It’s from Habakkuk 2:1,3 that is helping me to work and waiting on the LORD to fulfill. “I will climb my watchtower now, and wait to see what answer God will give to my complaint. But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!”

Unfamiliar Ground

“One of the things that attracted me to Yvette was the way she was not afraid to praise God,” my cousin’s husband shared this with my two Christmas ago. That same Christmas he gave me a book by T.D. Jakes entitled Promises from God for Single Women. Admittedly, I have only open the book sporadically over the last two years but I opened it last night to the first page of the relationship section and found some useful words there.

See God knows what you need to hear and when you need to hear it. He has many modes to get it too you but the spirit has got to be willing to accept correction, rebuke and discipline from the LORD, because it is always given in love. He knows that I am struggling with an issue about a certain relationship at this point in my life.

Last night as I read the first sentence which states, “Do you need to have it your way, or no way?” The answer is heck yeah! For so many years I controlled and set the ground rules for all my relationships with men. I decided how far things would go and I decided when it would end with no warning to them. I had no problem walking away from them and the situation. But there have been two men in my life that I have not been able to just walk away from. One I knew since I was a teenager. The love I shared with him was special and unique. He was the first man to break through the cold and closed heart I once had. He was completely honest with me and always called me on my mess. I loved him for that and it was one of the reasons I had fallen in love with him. He told me the things I need to hear and not what I wanted to hear. I was prepared to deal with and face many things with him but he was killed in March of 2004.

In May of 2007 the second man would enter my life and here is where my struggle lies. Maybe, I need to disclose some things about myself before I get into the second man and the struggles and ultimate what I heard God speaking into my heart last night.

I am a daddy’s girl! There is absolutely nothing my dad would not do for me or my siblings. He has been my prince charming for the last 31 years of my life and treated me like a princess. The other men in my life such as my Granddad James and my brothers (especially my eldest brother) have always been there to provide for me. I never had to want for much of anything the last 31 years of my life. If I can be perfectly honest even the women in my life have spoiled me (my mom and cousin). I have always been given their time, attention, love, and material things. Thus I am a spoiled brat, yes, at 31 years of age, I am still spoiled rotten. I still believe things should go my way and people should be there when I want them too. Which is one of the problems I have with man two, he is not always there when I want him to be. Something I am totally not use too at all.

I went into this not expected much from man two but the normal things that are a given, to be respected and treated well. Which he did without a problem? He was many things I wanted in a man and still is. In the early portion of the getting to know you game, I was still dating around. I was in my twenties and not looking for a husband. I was also in my second year of my journey with God. As I think back to the earlier dates we had, one thing that impressed me about him was that he would pray for both of us before each meal. Which had never happen to me on a date before, which I thought was refreshing?

As I enter year five on this journey with God, I have learned He has away of getting you to face your past so that you can move into your future. In past dealings with men I could walk away with no problems. But with man two, I have been unable to completely breakaway from him. It is not due too lack of trying. Over the last three years I have walked away from months at a time only to find myself drawing back to him for some reasons or another. I have inquired of the LORD many times why can’t I just walk away from this man once and for all. I thought two Thursday ago I would just leave this thing alone and even went as far as to say, I heard God telling me to walk away from the situation. I can sometimes hear what I want to hear when I do not want to deal with things. I was all set to delete his number from my phone, delete his email address from my contact list and delete him from my facebook friends list that Friday, as I was praying about something else, I did hear God emphatically telling me not to delete any of the information. Clear as day, I heard, “how many times have you deleted his information only to put it back. Leave it there is what I heard.”

I hate to admit this but a conversation I had with one of my friends/Sister in Christ about man two came to my remembrance. She told me it was time to be a big grown woman and face this thing head on, allowing God to handle the situation and letting His perfect will be done. With all my craziness and me attitude, I know what God has for me is just for me. That includes the man He has just for me. I do not have to master mind anything or demand anything from a person. God will indeed work this thing out and if me and man two are meant to just be friends, being in a committed relationship, or be nothing to each other I am ready to accepted the lessons and experience God wants me to face in this situation because I know I will be better for having gone through it.

God reminding me last night through His Word in Amos 3:3, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? The rest of what T.D. Jakes wrote was this, “How can you have a healthy relationship when you want to call all the shots? Listen to me-it is vital that you are clear about one very important ingredient in a relationship: both of you must be focused on the Lord first in order to make it work. Agree to make the Lord your destination and you’ll find you are walking in the same direction.”

In my many conversations with God, I have said to Him, the man I will be with is the one He handpicked for me. I do not know at this point if man two has been handpicked by God for me because in my hard-headness and stubbornness I never really waited for God to answer. I talked at God about man two never really wanting to hear His response. I do know what I asked God for in a husband and the one thing that is non-negotiable is this, he has to be a man of God, who is submitting his life to God daily. This is a must for me and I am willing and will wait for God to send that man. I might not like the wait time but wait I will.

I am now ready to listen knowing Jesus is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Lead me, guide me along this journey, if you wont lead me I wont go.