I Mourn No More

It was 15 years ago today on a cold rainy December night that my sister Tracy who was nine months pregnant at the time was gunned down by our next door neighbor after an argument. The same neighbor also shot my mother, another sister and brother that night.
Tracy’s death was very hard for my too cope with. I would become suicidal, depression and destructive as a result of her death. Her death along with the death of my brother Ronnie would consume my life for over twelve years.

The road I will travel was a rocky one of disappoint, confusion, anger, bitterness, isolation, and rage. It was all directed at God. How could the loving God my mother and grandmothers told me about allow such a tragedy to occur to me and my family? Where was His compassion and love for us? Where was He and why if He was so powerful, mighty and knew everything did He allow this to happen to us? How could He allow this to happen to me? All these questions rested on my heart for nearly twelve years.

Over those twelve years after Tracy’s death I wander in and out of contact with God because I could not get Him to answer my questions of why this happen to me and my family. I knew God was real I just could not understand why He stopped caring about me and my family. As a result my relationship with God was a rocky and tumultuous one until one day back in August of 2005 when I answered His call in earnest.

It is three years later since I answered the call of God. The once rocky and tumultuous relationship is now a loving relationship. In my first year with God I learned, “In this world you will have trouble. John 16:33b" I also learned in that first year that I could “Cast all my anxiety on him because he cares for me. 1 Peter 5:7”

I learned the character of God and Jesus and more importantly I learned who Ryane was to God. It is so important for us to know who we are too God. We have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt the love God our Father has for His children. When I learned how very much my Heavenly Father loved me I was able “to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2b”

The more I learn and grow in God’s Word, the less I questioned Him “for His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are my ways His ways. Isaiah 55:8" This is not too say that when things happen questions do not pop up in my head, they did, the difference is now the questions do not linger. I have come to the point in my relationship with God that I trust Him, so the questions I have maybe answered and they may not be answered but I trust God to working things out for me.

That is the difference in my remembrance of this day. The first thirteen was spent questioning God and mourning her; while the last two years has been spent celebrating her life and thanking God for her. The truth of the matter is God did not have to give us Tracy nor did He have to allow my mother, brother and other sister to survive the attack on my family. He could have taken them all that night but I thank Him for not doing so.
But I realize it is not easy to move on when you loss someone you love. It is one of the hardest things in the world to move on from. The death of a love one can break you it can cause you to question your very existing.

Naomi is a woman of the Old Testament. She lost her husband and two sons, Naomi was so destroyed by the deaths of her family members she told others to call her “Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me. Ruth 1:20-21" The name Mara means “bitter”. Naomi like myself was so focus on the lost and pain that we forgot God does not intention hurt us. He is not a God of malice intent. He is a God of loving and patience!!! We focused far to long on the mourn of our love ones that we could not celebrate their lives. I thank God for His patience with me over all those years.

Later on in Naomi life God give her a grandson name Obed who was the Father of King David of Israel. Like Naomi God is give me a beautiful great niece name Kelis and he is restoring my family even now. God promised to “repay me for the years the locusts have eaten. Joel 2:25” He does not have too but because He is a loving and giving Father He has given me and Naomi back some of what we lost.

So today I chose to celebrate the life my dear sister lived instead of mourning her. I am so grateful to God for giving me fifteen years with my loving big sister. While fifteen years does not seem like a long time, I believe it was enough time for us to express our love for one another. I can not tell you how to mourn your love ones but I ask you not to look at their deaths but to celebrate their lives. If we dwell on our love ones death we will never be able to celebrate their lives.

I love you Tracy!!!!

Please forgive any grammatical errors encountered in this piece. My editor is still on maternity leave with her beautiful baby boy.